Living, your situation is really tough. Your H clearly has feelings for you, but is not wiling or able to commit at this time. You also seem to wish to have space to grow, but don't want to disengage entirely.
Originally Posted by Living
Before I left for the weekend he told me he wanted to take me to dinner. Every year for VD, our tradition was to go to our favorite restaurant. So he says he wanted to take me to dinner and I told him I already had plans. He responded, I would like to take you to dinner. I responded, with I’m not sure why we would spend VD together. He says why not? Anywho, the conversation ended with him saying the invitation stands and if you don’t want to go with me, I’ll go by myself, but I would love for you to go.
I see this as a very good convo, because H asked clearly and calmly (and rationally! Two points for rational!) for what his wish is. Personally, I feel like positive behavior such as this should be rewarded. That's tough, because you very well might not feel like seeing H right now, and I totally understand that.
At the same time, H has asked for a D. WTH? I see where your confusion lies, and you don't want to allow him to treat you as if you only exist at his disposal.
I think your answer to his "Why Not?" question should be an equally calm and rational response to his request, "Because you have asked for a D, and I valued our VD dinners as something between us as a married couple. I don't feel I can participate in this tradition with that bond being broken".
But then we get back to you wanting to ask him about his plans for VD. I see why you wish to check-in after last weekend - you don't know where he is at. I'm hoping you can clarify: Are you wanting your M to be repaired? Before last weekend you were so angry and ready to cut him out (again - I hear you on those emotions!). But now you seem to want to work on it if he is. What's your current feeling?
Just tossing back to him "H, I know things are not looking good right now, but I would like to know what you are planning for VD." after the emotional weekend seems passive aggressive somehow. I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps take out the part where you state how things are "not good". Don't put words in his mouth to the status - he knows that things are not good. I don't love that you are here hanging your plans on his plans after A) he asked for a D and B) You stepped away for space this weekend. Would it be too difficult for you to just wait and see if he says anything more? And if not, you can continue with your plans for dinner and a movie. If he does ask you again, you can make your decision based on the tone and intent behind his ask. Let him pursue on this one.
