Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[Gerda]

((((((Gordie.)))))))))

I felt the knife in my heart when I read what your W said. And I don't know why at all but I immediately wanted to tell you to read the Book of Tobit. So I think you had better do so, as it obviously didn't come from my own head to tell you that.

GORDIE -- We assure you -- it's so obviously not about you. I know it feels like it is. I am suffering terribly right now for the same reason. But it's not about you. You are just the one standing there, and your open willingness to love, your peace, indicts her.

Reminds me exactly of my H finding any reason he can for his pain. First BD was justified by saying how awful I was so he could justify OW, who he called his "secret other wife." He told me he was not adulterous, it was me who had been adulterous "from the day we married" because I didn't know how to be a wife.

Second BD was about money, to justify the two years after BD. Even after all the account sharing and spreadsheets recommended here, he couldn't see that the only problem with money was that I was keeping us afloat on nothing.

Third BD justified his decision to D so he could get that money that was driving BD 2. He seems to have forgotten any hurt he might have caused by all that happened since BD 1 or the wild spending that led me to try to protect my own money from him.

And now we are on BD4, where he has constructed a narrative around our kids, that I don't "let" him be a dad. His custody demands included a directive that I never call him when he is with them because he does not need me to "control" his time with them.

I would wonder if it was about me but I don't think I have called him in literally a couple of years, with or without the kids (and he is almost never with them).

Point of my illustration is, your W thought maybe she should come back to get rid of the pain. She tried it, she even tried sex with you, tried sleeping in your room, etc. And the pain didn't go away. Then she tried revisiting the pain with you there and it probably hurt more than ever. So she came up with a reason, that it's all because of you, and she has a nice list of all her "proofs." She thinks she can prove it to you. My H does the same in his long long e-mails.

W can leave again, she can stay, she can have another OM or never have one. The pain isn't going to go away until she recognizes her wound and stops blaming it on anything else. God is the one offering to heal her and she is refusing, she is turning her back on God. He will keep trying.

This path is horribly difficult. Don't doubt yourself ever. You are an amazing man. Your love can't bear this situation, but the love of God can, so just keep asking Him to give you His. Will be praying for you and for your W.

And -- Colossians 1:24.

(((((((GORDIE)))))))))))