New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Bern19]

Update: I decided (against many's advice) to attend one last MC session with my wife, mostly because our MC is also my IC and I wanted to be there to counter any falsehoods or outright lies by the WW. Wife admitted to having conflicting feelings for OM. Claims that there has been contact still, but nothing sexual. She admitted that she did feel like she was in love with him. Also admitted to the longer timeline, of the affair. Said that she no longer feels the same way about the OM as he's shown his true colors by choosing to stay with his wife, even though he was feeding her the idea that they weren't going to be able to make it work and that if he could just get one of their two houses sold, he would be able to leave her and they could be together. It is during this time period in December that the WW texted him the dirty pics. However, WW claims that she started to get cold feet and decided that she didn't want to leave and told him that. Once she told him, his attempts to suck her back in intensified, and he began to get sloppy in his attempts to communicate with my WW That is how his wife caught him with the pic. Once the SHTF, he got her to agree to meet one more time during work to get closure. Turns out his wife suspected he'd reach out to her and she caught them together. She confronted them both, got rather loud about it and threatened to expose them both to their work and publicly. The next day, he quit his job. Told their boss all the details of the affair, that he was still in love with my wife, but had to quit to protect her from his wife who was threatening exposure.

Now my WW has said it's over, she has agreed to NC with him, however I'm not in a position to take her at her word. I told her that and she actually seemed surprised that I don't trust her. Told her that not only do I no longer trust her, but all the lies and deceit has started to affect the way I'm feeling towards her. I told her that this has eroded the respect I had for her and that I'm happy she now knows what she wants, I'm not certain of what I want.

She asked if I wanted her to move out of the MBR, I told her that I wasn't sure. So far she has stayed in our MB. She came to me and told me that she has downloaded a book by W. Harley Jr that the therapist suggested. She got the audio version and told me last night she was already up to chapter 10. I had that book earlier in our sitch, but after reading the first couple chapters about exposure and her having to leave her job, I knew she would meet those suggestions with the same resentment and rebellion that she got us here so I kept looking and that's how I found DB.

So, wife claims to be NC, claims to be working on herself, claims to be interested in saving our marriage. If i'm honest, I've always been in the "divorce is not an option" for me camp, but now that all this has happened I find myself wondering why I wanted her back so bad? Now, for my kids sake, I'd like to keep my marriage together, but for the first time I'm struggling as to whether I can move forward with someone that betrayed me so completely.

I've been doing pretty good with what I'm calling "mindful detachment". I think that like many newcomers LBH's I misunderstood the concept of detachment. Like many, I did it with an agenda. The way I was doing it she could sense my resentment and her reaction to it kept me attached. For the first time in a while I don't find myself walking on eggshells when speaking with her because I don't allow myself to get sucked into her bizarro world. While her actions still affect me to a point, it no longer keeps me focused on her. Now, I know I haven't "arrived" and have a long way to go, but I finally feel like I'm starting to make progress. I can tell you it feels good to be thinking clearer.

I've spent most of the day re-reading Sandi's multi thread posts for the Newcomer LBH with a WW wife. It is amazing how much of what she says fits our situation exactly. Specifically the parts about her resentment and rebellion affecting her ability to love me because of the lack of respect that waywardness breeds. I often wish my wife would stumble on this site, not to see my posts, but to read everything that Sandi has written here. The similarities of being a "good girl" for so long and continuing to attend church all while living a filthy backslidden secret life are just erie. How she was unable to feel remorse for her actions and how long it took to come to grips with those emotions are both discouraging, because of the timeline, yet encouraging, because it can still happen.

So, I'll keep checking in and will continue to update. Who knows, I may even venture on to some other threads if I feel like I can add anything. So far I'm humbled by the responses and grateful for the advice and even some of the 2x4's that have come my way. This board has certainly helped me come to grips with my own issues and reading some of your sitch's has given me the confidence that everything will be OK. May not finish with the the outcome I had hoped for, but I'll be better prepared for the rest of my days either way.