Ok I decided to break the posts up because it’s getting to be too long.
Over the last couple of days I have thought about a lot. I’ve thought a lot about the ways my H said I failed the M. Someday I hope to be able to share the ways he too failed the M, however at that time I know my job was to listen and validate.
I’ve alreddy shared here upthread that I did drop the ball in our M, we both did. However, I can only take responsibility for my own actions or lack there of.
I did take my H for granted. I have been running around talking about “I’ve been a good wife!” In many ways I was but in so many ways I wasn’t.
I got too comfortable. I did let myself go. I did deny him sex and I denied him a lot. I wasn’t always supportive of him the way he was of me. There were times when I was very selfish. I made my H feel like he wasn’t wanted and didn’t matter. I took for granted that no matter what he would always be there. I was lazy and stopped working on my M. I didn’t help my H sometimes when he needed me the most. Again, I took my H for granted.
I’ve been saying since BD that my H didn’t love me the way that I needed to be loved. In many ways that’s true. But guess what? I’m guilty of not loving him in the way he needed as well.
For all of the above he had a reason to no longer be happy with our M. He felt he wasn’t getting what he was putting in and this went on until BD.
Now again, I can type all the ways he dropped the ball because it wasn’t just me that failed. However right now, I’m focusing on myself.
So whether my H and I stay in this M or not, I have a lot of work to do on myself. H has a lot of work to do on himself. But I can only focus on what I have control over and that’s me.
Truth is I want to be a better person and a better wife. I want to get back to the woman that my H was attracted to. I want to get back to parts of who I was and take those parts and be even better. I have got to do the hard work on Living.
If my M doesn’t survive, there are lessons in my sitch. If we don’t make it and I end up in another relationship, I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes.
I could have written this. This is exactly how I feel about my M. W and I are currently NC, and I'm so sad that we may never have the opportunity to try again/try harder/try differently. I feel my roots deepening - I feel my desires for what I want in a R and a M changing. I can articulate what my needs are now instead of just assuming someone will fill them. I feel how I interact with the world changing. Everything about how I connect with those around me is changing, but my values and core are stationary. I'm doing a lot of self-discovery.
That part of the equation is great. I see you are tuned into your own lessons as well. Stay focused on those, because we can bring those with us. I know that I am a better partner now than I was once upon a time. Personally, I need to learn what it means to be strong and how to bring strength to a R. I think I'm also becoming a better friend, and a better coworker. I'm a much stronger "me" for sure.
You and I weren't the only ones who dropped the ball - you nailed it with that. But we are certainly the ones improving. I hope our spouses are as well - but all we can really do is leave them to their own journey.
I hope we can bless them as they move along instead of cursing them for changing.
