Thank you for reminding me I am right where I am supposed to be
Roist
Good point about watching paint dry
I am guilty of that
And hoping by watching I can make it speed up
I am not an ultra marathon type guy
But a good prod to make some goals separate from w
Gerda
You are so sweet
And while I think I am far from exemplary
I do hope leaving all of these threads behind
Does someone some good now and in the future
I try to keep it real
Inclusive of all of my hopes and doubts
Not painting a picture too rosy or gloomy
But as accurate as I am able to see
Journaling
So one weekly point of tension comes every Sunday morning
Gordie and the kids getting ready and heading off to church
Every Sunday w acts annoyed that we are going to church
Not sure what to do about that
She has made it clear she does not want to go to church
She has also made it clear she wants to be included in family activities
Given that conflict I just ignore her negative vibes
Once we return home there is no negative vibe
It is just felt in the pre church routine
On a positive note
W has been doing more little things for me
And sending me friendlier less business like text messages
In addition my daughter wrote me a valentine
Expressing what a great dad I am
And thanking me for always taking care of her
That felt really nice
Keep strong and keep warm
And peace be with you all
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
"I think you hit the nail on the head. Commitment is what makes marriages work through all kinds of challenges.
Those of us who have been married forever (Wayne and I have been married 47 years and counting) know that life has its ups and downs not to mention the twists and turns no one can predict when you first fall in love.
If you want to know before you get married if it will work you have to look not only at your future partners values, behavior and the way they deal with challenges--you must become aware of your own.
You and your partner need to be committed to making it work. Long term happy marriages don't just happen-- you make them happen.
And by the way they won't always be happy--there will be some very tough times when you will question not only why you married this person, but why you are staying married.
Love will seem far away and very difficult to find--that is when commitment and "right attitudes" and having healthy values and even skills keep you there trying until you can find the love that was there all along just buried under the suffering that life sometimes dishes out....
Thanks for the inspiration--I just wanted to let you know I think you were right on."
April
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I can understand that you feel terrible about the conversation, but she is still in the tunnel and evidently she felt safe in talking to you. At the moment, that is how she feels, Today? Well, that could be a different story. The fluctuate between being unhappy and being happy. Do not take what she told you personally. If there is a dart of truth in what she said, then you have something to work on. If you know that what she said isn't true, then shake it off.
Continue as you have been. There are going to be moments of this type of talk because she is still trying to figure out why she feels the way that she does. Depression takes time to work through.
Please, please do not allow her talk w/you take you down in the rabbit hole.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That’s a tough conversation to listen to. Dig deep, remain calm, and be patient.
Of course you feel terrible. That was terrible. I do feel for you. (((Gordie)))
Remember it is still about her. She has just shared a very traumatic event with you (there may be more than one), that has to stir some stuff up from within her. She still is figuring it all out.
Be that lighthouse, keep guiding her by being you and living well. She will follow when she is ready and able.
It is good that she is speaking to you, and telling you her feelings. They’re just feelings, they seem real to her right now, today. They will change. She is processing her feelings, and that is a very good thing.
Be patient, she has a lot of work to get her cars lined up.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It's tough when the expectations we try to push down are quashed. There really is no way to tell if this truth that she shared with you yesterday is the truth she's living today.
You aren't going to like me saying this but also won't be surprised. Make sure you dust off those ducks of your's. They may need to be lined up again. If this is consistent she may be setting the stage for wandering off again.
You have so very much to be proud of Gordie. Especially of the man you are.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Gordie- That sounds like it must have been an enormously difficult talk you had with your wife. Listening and validating sounds like the best things you could have done. Keep on keeping on!
I think this is one of those times to remember that when those icky close feelings come for them, they want to distance. Also, she is disordered in her personal relationships and likely wants you to chase her. I would view this as nothing more than a part of the process, don't take it personally, and get back to DBing like a champ until she pulls her head out of her you know what. You are bigger than this. You have survived worse. DB, DB, DB!!!
Prayers my brother...I feel your pain and your hurt and wish that I could make it go away from all of us, but we are made strong through our weakness. I heard that somewhere...haha! Know that you have a huge support system here and we will stand with you for the long haul.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
(((Gordie))) My H said pretty much the same things to me. It hurts, no doubt. But as everyone says...these are feelings she is having right now and feelings can, and often do, change. Sometimes they don't. It would be nice if there was a way to predict whose feelings will change and whose won't but according to the people who have been on here a long time, there isn't. We all just have to focus on ourselves and our kids and let our spouses go on the journey they need to in order to figure out who they are. We can still love them and not be with them, as painful as that prospect is. That really is the ultimate test of loving someone... being willing to let them go even when everything in us wants to hang on. I tell myself that every day and it does help. Your sitch is different though as your W is still at home. My sense is that she is still feeling a lot of pressure from you even though you are trying not to put that on her. As OneArt suggests... try not to take it personally and double down on the DBing efforts so that you will be okay no matter how this turns out in the end. We are all pulling for you Gordie. You will get through this...one way or the other. Believe it!! (((HUGS)))
