13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So haven't been journaling for a couple of days, because, well I have had a blast with my kids.

The kids and I have winter holidays right now, so they have the entire week off, and we have been going to the swimming pool, been doing outdoor activities, been snuggling and reading stories, and basically just been enjoying ourselves.

It amazes me, how my oldest, my daughter, has adapted to the transition of only seeing one of us at a time. She brings up on occasion, but rarely, that mommy is not here for this or that, but its a fleeting / in the moment thought, and then she is back to being five, and is just a darling. That really comforts me.

I have been riding the roller coaster a bit the last couple of days, and I know why, so its not really a concern of mine. I do think about the whys and ifs, and I do use my stopsign technique, and I believe the reason for me being on the downer of the coaster right now is, that its holiday time, and we have been going as a family always, and now, everything is a first time new experience for me and the kids, but it is alright - at the bottom of every valley is a path that leads up towards the skies, where the sun will shine. I know this, and I allow my self to feel sad, to reflect, and I think I have been skipping out on this earlier, and now I realize its a part of my process.

Tomorrow my ex is getting the kids, and I will be going to my parents place for the remainder of the holidays, and then we are back to normal 50/50 schedule again with 1 visitation day in our off week (for me gym time with kids, yay :)).

Things are actually alright for me right now. The mind reading, and the questions I ask my self will pass (as mentioned above), and thats fine. My ex seems to be happy, and that has value to me, because despite the spite, the resentment the awful things she has done, I still care deeply for her, and in the end I want her to be happy. I have talked it through with my IC, and I am not remotely close to having forgiven her, but I will, in time - for my own sake.

I rarely hear from her when its my time with the kids, which is probably a bi-product of me not answering anything not kids related - she does however suddenly out of nowhere, with days in between, include me in her snapchats of her doing things with her girlfriends and stuf - I find it odd, and interpret it as her trying to show me, that she is not at OMs place, but she is doing something else - it doesn't matter anymore, and look at me mind reading the heck out of a couple of snapchats? .

I am gonna miss my kids SO much, but I am also looking forward to some days with golf, a trip to the cinema, gym time, and a minigolf tournament with people from the golf club this saturday. this will give me a chance to get to know some morer people from the club, and maybe get some new possibilities for acquaintances to play golf with.

/hurt