Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can #

[marina7]

Westco and Gerda,

Thank you,
When I write I write from my heart.

I have said this before if I could write a book
About my life it will be a seller.

Someone who overcame many obstacles and still
Standing and never lost my faith.

From my bio mom telling me she rather
have a whore in a corner then a lesbian to
Abuse to lost. But I never lost my faith or my
Strength. Which I know I get from God.

I still wonder sometimes how am I still here or how
Did I get here. I know so many people have giving up
In life.

All I see in social media is people giving up in life.


Is sad. But when times get rough or am down I know
God has a bigger purpose.

Journaling,
So I talk to my uncle, he is 84 wow he getting old
I always see him as a 40ish man. Is like time never pass
I made sure I was strong enough to talk to him.

I haven't spoken to him since BD, I kept myself away.
When my uncle heard my voice he said M, my M how
You been.

I just wanted to cry and say I miss you and my aunt but
I was strong. His voice was different this time.

U, M I am not doing so well
M, I took a deep breath
U I been ill they found some skin cancer on right arm
M Is it because you love to fly kite
U yes because when I was younger I didn't wear sunscreen
M oh,
U I also fell my hip where I got replaced 10yrs ago is
Causing issues I am in a Walker.
M tears rolling down. I miss Uncle I would do
Whatever to spend some days with you.
U yes I would love that, but not now I don't want you to see
Me this way
M why I'll take care of you
U No not right now, life is hard for me
M yes but not that hard your talking to me.
U yes that's true
M you got more years to go
U yes momma lived till 99yrs old
M there you go you will live 101yrs old lol
U laughing
U ok M love you getting sleep because of medication
Call you this week so we can catch up on kids and W
M ok.
M I love you uncle
U I love you my little M

My uncle lives in Alabama so I will be planning a
Trip. Whatever it takes to see him.

It's been a rough couple of weeks,
Missing aunt
Birthday soon
2nd yr since BD of W not being here
Of course we can't forget Valentine's day.....

Lately lots of emotions and crying which I usually don't

Missing trio's is sinking in. But God has plan I know he does

Yesterday I seen trio's lots of hugs and missing me.

Especially d10 missing our dates.
So when we adopted kids we did date nights with kids
W with boys
And me with my d10.
D10 will get dress in a beautiful dress and I would get ready
Pick up a flower and ring the doorbell while brothers open
Door and interview me as a date. Lol
Yesterday d10 said I miss our dates. I replied me too Princess

Soon again.

So still no car neighbor help me pick kids up but didn't have
A ride for drop off. I called W as it's not out her way. W pause
But said Ok no problem.

I thought W was going beep it was ice raining but W knock the door
It's been months since she been over. I offered for W to come in
W hesitated, I laughed and said your Safe W promise.
W came in and stood by door.
I got Trios ready.

Interesting part was the dog, W was scared of him.
Remember we had a pitbull and husky before so this is
not new to us. I said he is sweet dog.

W yeah but he so big
M yeah, he looks tough but a big teddy bear
W yeah like you
M lol yelp
W looking around like paranoid
M I stood far away gave trio's kiss and reminded them
See you in 2 days.
W said go in the car.

W open door lets them out and closes door I stood far away
From her.

W says M I don't want to do this or keep kids away.
M ok, and is whatever
W you see M whatever that's your attitude.
M I paused and listen. I said W I think we have different language
Me saying is cool or it's what its is means ok.
W to me is like You don't give a F...
M ok am sorry you feel that way. My language is different from your
Language. I hope if you ever feel type of way please ask me directly
I care trust me but I am learning not to explode. I am learning in therapy
Alot and I am learning to control me and only me.
W staring at me. Literally we made eye contact W didn't look away.
W s9 is a handful.
M yelp
W omg he driving me nuts.
M welcome to tween years
W not me Nope..
M lol they are growing up
W got sad.. pause
W ok have a good night
M ok bye
W ok close the door make sure you lock up don't want anyone to kidnap you
Because your so beautiful.
M lol and Old
W smiled ok M goodnight lock up.
M ok W I will
W M lock the door
M yelp lol

W left, is like W didn't want to leave or didn't know or like she
wanted to say something but didn't . I didn't push I just was there.

I am curious why at BD they change completely then as time pass W
Seems to let go of herself. Even gained weight back. Hair crazy like
W rolled out of bed.

Again not looking to much into it just here for Trios.
As I am going to therapy and getting stronger and healing for myself