Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Thanks Nicole, some days the positivity feels real and others, it feels like I have to fake it until I make it.

There were a couple of instances I remembered I could have acted really badly like passive aggressive and I stopped myself(one had to deal with her work calling and I wasn't sure if she could have been speaking or texting OM). I let it pass. From the phone conversation and what she was saying, it was all business trying to fix an issue. I can't let my emotions flare up. I was in the study when she was in the other room talking.

I don't talk to her about my feelings or what I'm learning here. However the other night I did mention something I saw from here. When a tv show Big Bang Theory came on with us getting done eating and watching tv, something happened on the show and I commented, "I think that is affairing down." It was in response to W making a comment about what happened in the show between two people. (don't want to give spoilers) I was going to stop myself from saying it for a split second and then I thought about my intention.

I have good and bad moments in trying to control my emotions. Some nights I wanted to say some pretty foul things in her direction and I ended up laughing at myself for being petty and too caught up in the emotions.

Very close to 6 months from BD and it's helped she is not playing games with me. I remember one time when I was still going to look at the new house with her, she said it was our house and alluded to us living together but made no comment about what happened . I took the lead to let her know its not our house. I know what I want and deserve.

There was a small period when she tried to see if I would take the bait of saying I would move in with them with no change to our relationship.

I'm glad I got over the initial anger. There was a time I wasn't sure what I would do, but like tonight, we had dinner with our sons and she initiated some small talk. I was polite in answering and kept it short. W can laugh and joke around. Sometimes I'd reciprocate a joke back.

A while back when I shared that my W was on BCP, I thought about her and OM. I was angry and felt like I could have been vindictive enough to tamper with the BCP to get revenge. I thank God for seeing me through those dark times. I would never want to stoop that low in doing something like that.

I still go thru my thread and I went over Sandi asking about W emotional state, if she was all over the place or not during Christmas. I remember she was somber. She didn't have a come to Jesus moment when thinking about her dad. I knew it then but I see it clearer now.

Another weekend passed and no R talks, no arguments or bickering. Not much talking on my part unless to answer somethin. NO GAL either. I did lose between 2-3 pounds, which is good. I'd initiate a good morning maybe once a week, if that.

Saturday I worked some overtime, a lot of office work for a hospital system. Friday night I was at home alone and able to read posts and respond to some without the interruptions and worry of the kids or her coming in and reading anything on the computer. My S6 can sound out words pretty well now so I have to be very careful of what he's looking at and sounding out.

W and I had been throwing a lot of stuff away. She cleared/cleaned a lot of the garage space and I showed her how to use the dolly and lift the boxes onto the shelves. We two-person lifted some of the heaviest boxes. We busted a sweat doing the work. This home is a great starter home and I'm going to miss it. I don't like where it's at though regarding commute. The other place will be much worse.

When we were done with moving stuff I spent time outside with my S6 who wanted to ride S11 old bike. He did really well on the training bike. W was outside too watching him and S11 was helping to coach him along. Had his first fall and everything. He had kneepads and a helmet. He said he wasn't worried about falling on his arms and that he was wanting to protect his "gorgeous face." He's got his upper teeth growing in

I decided I am keeping MBR items, like the bed and drawers. My S6 sometimes sleeps in it with me and at the new apartment I still want some type of comfort of the old home. I debated this and how I would feel. I'd be saving a few grand in keeping items from the move.

I've been watching a lot of different videos to get people's perspective on loving self to forgiveness. I'd say 75% of it is spiritual and overcoming infidelity with a trust in God. I'm not currently in church but I'd like to go back. There are a lot of things I want to revisit. I had a bucket list a long time ago then that stopped and now I feel like life is too short.

I'm still pretty confident but I have taken a big hit in that dpt from all of this. Also I felt like I was a man wh0re when I was young with weak boundaries with the ladies. I know when I lose more weight to get down to where I was, if that will ever happen, I'm afraid of that freedom. The girl I walk to her car some days keeps asking me about me and my W like questions about Vday coming up. She's respecting the boundaries of me being a married man but I wonder if I told her we were separated what that opens up. That's why I am not saying anything.

I want to go through this without interference of other women but my mind is playing tricks on me. Last night I had a dream of having sex with another woman from work. It didn't go that far because when it was about to, something happened in the dream to wake me up. I also had some dreams with W but it wasn't like that. More like our current situation was seeping into my sleep to invade me there as well. I remember seeing Steve comment on another poster's thread about this being a mental dump. Sure felt like it.

I have been sleeping later and I need to work on that. Planning to this week. Weather was horrible and it took me 2 hours to get home. I cant help but to think how that will be when I live way farther out. I do feel way better about the transition than a week or two ago.

I believe in allowing some things to take their natural course and as events unfold I have a better idea of how to move forward. Cant rush or force. Be patient.

I'm thankful for the support everyone has shown here. And there goes my ramblings for the day.