Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

To all of you reading and offering your support. No I haven't done anything terminally stupid. I have been busy with stuff. So I have to admit from the last post I have had some expectations. I know, bad Turbine. Could there be some real noticing on her part but she is not showing anything because of the past hurts and some amount of pride? She did use absolutes in laying this out there. Only one way to get a miracle and those don't happen overnight. So yes I am still hanging my hopes on R.

I have one session with my coach in reserve. If I need more then I will have to buy more time. As much as I want to get bills paid down I want to maximize the chance of a getting the R. Hopes... I know... 2x4.

So in a few days it is Valentines day. I so much want to acknowledge it in some way with her. I know that it is extremely unlikely of being reciprocated. So while I may buy a card, presenting it would be another matter. Foolish hope but I am so not detaching at the moment.

Then there is her birthday. The way things are going the kids aren't going to do anything. I want to get her a card. Nothing overly romantic. I want too but that would be pursuing and my actions to date have been skirting that line in her mind if not crossing it. I want to entice her like catching a big ole fish. Takes some finesse and it seems like I am tossing chum. So would it be wrong to get a simple happy birthday card? I mean simple too. No romantic sonnet on the inside. Although part of me wants to so badly. Flowers, a gift etc. I know, 2x4, so slow down Turbine.

Anyway the minister I have been talking to came over to pick up the chili I had set aside for him. He got to see the condition the house is in. No I am not proud of it. I also am responsible for not all of it. Yes, I know I can argue that I am responsible for all of it since my actions contributed to where we are today. Well I will accept what is mine by inheritance or as personal possessions. Her stuff and her brothers... not cleaning it up. Seems like that would be a fight I don't want. Maybe I need it but that isn't me.

The minister stayed for about a hour too. I put a few pictures back on the wall of her. Still there too as of writing this. She made spaghetti sauce over the weekend. Not at home though. That saddens me. For some reason it tastes different. Yes I saw her take from the container for her lunch. No I don't know if she ate it. Yes she took the hard boiled eggs I prepared and no I don't know if she ate those or gave them to friends at work.

I got her the eggs she likes and a replacement bottle of lotion because we were out and nearly empty. So she is using the lotion and taking the eggs. Love is considerate. I am not expecting anything in return by my actions.