Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Rita]

Thank you, Job. You always remind me that this is all par for the course; because I think I get re-shocked every time. - I totally agree with you, and in fact I think his proposal makes him look like someone who should not have custody, as all of it is about control and none about what is good for the kids.

That line -- definitely I would try your revision, but there are other things on there -- e.g., taking them on trips for a week, having them on holidays or not being willing to commit to having a suitable accommodation for them in order to be able to have overnights -- that I can't agree to because he is unfit. I didn't put anything about his drinking in my proposal, for example, because my proposal didn't include overnights without this suitable set-up, which I assume is a long time in coming.

But in a "normal" divorce situation, of course the father should have overnights. So I don't know what the court will force, if we get that far -- e.g., if I can prove he is unfit. Apparently it's hard to do. I want to be strategic. Asked S13 last night if he still felt the same about sleeping over at his dad's if he ever moved out, and he was very vehement -- he actually said, "I want to be with you 24-7 unless the court makes me."

I feel like I am not able to protect my kids and it's making me crazy.

[job]

Well, if the courts push the issue, then your have would have to give you ample notice of trips, i.e., dates and where they will be staying. He shouldn't be allowed to just up and take them w/o your knowing the particulars in case of an emergency.

It is very difficult to prove that someone is unfit or not completely all there. If he does get over night custody, suggest that a social worker or someone visit them periodically, unannounced to ensure that they are being well taken care of.

Because your children are older, the court may ask them what they want to do, i.e., take their responses into consideration.

Just my two cents today.

[marina7]

Gerda,

Your H sounds a lot like my W

Unfortunately the court won't care about the last 5yrs

I remember stating how W walk out. And that bit me in the a*&
All they see is Now...

Yelp now, I also told them how W monster less then 2 months ago
I was told present let's focus on Now.

So one thing I can say they bring up the past.

You amd I are in very similar. What I done was prepared my kids.
And reassure them am here for them as I know they will never be kids.

I am now in a place of self healing, I know I did everything I could do.
I might not have the trio's full time but the trio's are together they will never
be separated. So try to find the positive, it's taken me months to do this
But God has bigger plans.

Stay strong my friend

[Rita]

Thank you so much for replying, Marina. It means so much to me, thank you!

I think our spouses are similar in the monstering, though in my case my H has really not seen the kids in any real way (except slightly more during a trip here and there that I paid for) in SIX YEARS -- I mean, he can go for literally days without seeing my son even though he lives with us -- but in your case your W was able to prove that she had more money. My H is so broke and in so much debt, beyond our joint debt I mean. He doesn't give me even a penny for food or mortgage or anything at all for the kids and quit his job so that now me and the kids have no insurance. In other words, he keeps behaving horribly as a parent but it sounds like I would have to go to trial and pay huge dollars for GAL to prove this, and it's still not certain court would care. His only plan for providing for the kids is to sell our home and live on his share. He refuses to leave until I sell or pay him, which he knows I can't do. At least, I think he knows. Maybe he can't realize the truth about that either.

He has no money to pay lawyer additional amounts, and I don't think my kids' godfather is going to pay any more for that, so sometimes I think of just hitting him with lots of motions and such to deal with so that he runs out of lawyer hours, but then I go and pray about it and I know that I don't want to spend my time on this earth strategizing against my H. This morning actually I was in church for a long time in a free fall of sorrow and what I was battling is how angry and heartbroken I feel every time I get a new letter. I feel this longing for vengeance and judgment that destroys me and does nothing to change him.

Today I was thinking a lot about telling the wife of my kids' godfather about what her husband is doing, paying for my H to force the sale of our home and split up our family when me and the kids don't want that, but I can't decide how this fits in with my faith. They are very serious Catholics, and I know we Christians are supposed to gently correct each other or ask the Church for help, so I wanted to give her the option to know what is happening and choose to do something about it or not. A friend told me not to insert myself in their M the way her H inserted himself in mine, but I keep thinking that if we are part of one community, it is insane for me not to tell her about this, and I probably would have done it by now but I don't know how to get her number, she doesn't go to my church and lives outside of our city. I just want to make sure that they don't pay for yet more of this lawyer, one retainer payment is plenty.

I spoke with my L this morning and she said that though the language of the letter is harsh and repulsive what he is actually asking to get is potentially better than what I would get through courts. She also told me that, assuming that he actually follows through on visitation in the first place (which she thinks unlikely), he can't force my kids to sleep over if they don't want to; he would have to take me back to court and really doesn't have money for that. So even if all this stuff goes on paper, I don't have to be as petrified as I am perhaps.

[Rita]

Job, have you seen that happen, with a social worker? How would that work? I think that would be so upsetting for my kids. I don't know if I would want to get into that, but I guess I could get a guardian after the whole thing is over.

[job]

Yes, I have seen someone go to the home of a parent who has children during their weeks of visitation. Sometimes, it is best to have someone stop by to see if the home is clean, the children are clean and well taken care of. This should not affect your children at all. If anything, it would put your h on the spot to make sure his plan is clean, etc. BTW, the person that I know that was doing the visiting, did not go at the same time, nor or the same day as they were classified as pop in visits.

It kept the parent on his/her toes and they made sure the home was spotless, nothing lying around, dishes washed, etc. and the other parent didn't have to worry about the welfare of the children.

But that could be something the court may order because of your concerns...it all depends on how well your concerns are represented in court.

[Rita]

Oh gosh, if someone came to check on my house for nothing lying about or being spotless, etc., I would definitely lose custody! : ) Keeping a tidy house is the one thing I can't fit in these days, though I want to Marie Kondo this place soon.

Thanks, Job, for always giving me such good advice.

[job]

The woman was very concerned about the welfare of her children being left with her former husband. He self medicated and she was concerned about her children staying with him for long periods of time. She also requested that any time he wanted to take the children out of state, that he advise her of the planned trips, duration of the trips and when they would return, as well as a contact number in case of an emergency. She adhered to the same request. Her children were 8, 11 and 15. She provided them with a cell phone so that they could call her in the evening, if they so wished.

The visitation process kept her former husband on his toes because he made sure that all of his self medicating items were not lying around when the children came for visits. What he did when they were not there, was no one's business.

She is a very wise woman and if she had not requested certain things, she might not have gotten them. She stated her facts and voiced her concerns quite strongly and she "appeared" very calm when doing so. She then requested certain things and the court listened and favored her requests. Sometimes, we have to put in requests and see how the court will react. In her case, she was willing to "mirror" what she was requesting so that it didn't look like she was just painting her former spouse as a menace.

Each case is different, but you can't allow fear stop you from inquiring.

[sjohns6]

Gerda,

I wanted to jump in and remind you how much support you have on this site...how many people know what you are going through and support you in your endeavors. I've been keeping quiet lately as I try and get a handle on my day to day and just live my life...but I've been keeping up with your situation almost daily and you are often in my thoughts. You do not have to keep doing what you are doing...you could give up at any time. You are walking this path because it is what you choose to do...because it is what you feel is right. I do not believe that you will regret that decision as time moves forward. When all is said and done, you will have done everything that you could. Its really hard now, but this too shall pass.

As for child protection visits, my sister has had them called on her. I would argue that her living condition at the time was not great, but her kids are loved and taken care of...and I think thats mainly what they are looking for. I don't think thats something you need to worry too much about.

Keep on keeping on...we've got this!!

(((Gerda)))

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I will respond to the previous post on my thread. No point in detracting from all the excellent advice you are receiving.

I spoke with my L this morning and she said that though the language of the letter is harsh and repulsive what he is actually asking to get is potentially better than what I would get through courts. She also told me that, assuming that he actually follows through on visitation in the first place (which she thinks unlikely), he can't force my kids to sleep over if they don't want to; he would have to take me back to court and really doesn't have money for that. So even if all this stuff goes on paper, I don't have to be as petrified as I am perhaps.

Now, this does sound good. An offer that is potentially better than what you would get if you went to court.

I learned during my discussions with my L, that the spouse’s behaviour and past really do not matter. It is just about the now. It is about how the courts would add up, score, all the bits of information. I said it before, what you and I believe is important may not be what the courts consider important. Having the courts decide is a bit of a gamble.

You seem to have a proposal that offers you more than the default that is most likely from a court ordered settlement.

You also have the knowledge that your children really cannot be forced to sleep over at his house.

As hard as it is try to accept H is not crazy. He is irrational, no doubt there; he is not insane. He is also the kids’ Dad, and their lives will be richer with him part of them.

I had much fear and dread about W seeing the kids early on. It was really just me being full of fear. Even now when the kids see Mom or hear from her, they have a bit of joy about it. I do try to encourage that, and do not speak down about her, just truthful or silent. Sometimes that requires a Herculean effort.

Point is she is their Mom. When she reaches out to them, even when S18 is upset with her and he doesn’t see her, she is their Mom. That is a bond and fact that cannot be erased or changed. And kids love their parents.

Your children love you and their Dad. Ensure they know they can express that to you, that they love you and H.

So perhaps his proposal is worth considering. The kids can, and really do, decide where they sleep, so that is really not an issue (good and bad in that). The financial part and custody is better than would be probably awarded in court. There is no court case. This gets resolved quicker.

What down sides do you see? Didn’t H consider less custody for a big chunk of money, is that still on the table?

Depending on your answers and beliefs, this arrangement might just be something you can live with.

There is no rush in making such a big decision. Just let it perk away in your mind for a bit and see how you feel and what answers present themselves. Once you figure it out, strike while the iron is hot.

I think you are doing a fantastic job of letting go with compassion and understanding. This is just necessary business and wholly unfortunate. Keep following your heading.

DnJ