Horrible custody letter today. H has been acting almost like he is part of this family in response to my niceness lately. H talked to me for a long time about lit and religion, I was remembering how many of you asked me if he talks like he writes because today he definitely did, I could barely follow. And I mostly just listened but when he says things about God, I always feel like I have to reply.
I even gave him some of the homemade lotion I was making this morning and put a scent in it that I thought he would like, shared food with him, etc. Meanwhile I did not know (because my L didn't even send it to me on Friday!) that he wrote this custody proposal that says things like "Mother will not contact H or children when he is with them as he does not need her control."
Everything hinges on whether or not a court and a GAL would be able to see that H has not been a parent for 5 years and is crazy and that his only plan for providing for them is to take the money from selling their home.
If they would, then it is worth continuing to fight and to try to find some way to pay for GAL though I literally do not have $100 of the ten thousand it will cost.
If they would not see that H is crazy and an unfit parent, then I feel like I have to just take what H is offering, which is vague and selfish and includes overnights and extended holiday weeks of overnights that S and D do not want at all, at all, at all. But which could be better than what court would order if they don't see that he is crazy or that they think it's okay that he won't pay for anything for them except by selling their home and using that money to do it.
I have not been without my children ever overnight, nor they without me. They have not been taken care of by H since BD. I have always devoted myself completely to loving and nurturing them, and for whatever reason, nighttime is the particular time for us, the time we seem most in need of each other. So that is why this thought of overnights is making me crazy. And because I promised my kids they wouldn't have to do that.
I even offered that he could stay here with them on his nights (two Saturdays a month so not that bad) and I would leave.
But I don't want to be stupid and push and then end up with something worse.
I have to talk to L tomorrow but I am posting here in advance of that out of sheer loneliness facing this darkness. I have found myself in such a fog lately, can't get any work done and the clutter is piling up everywhere.
If I knew that I could say yes to these things and rest assured he would never follow through -- but I am scared he will actually try to take them overnight and that they would feel sad and betrayed.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/11/1906:26 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.