I think I'm finally understanding the "detachment" phase of all of this, I'm sorry I'm a slow learner. Didn't talk to him for a couple days and he didn't come home. I wasn't expecting him to come home last night and he just appeared in the hallway while I was cleaning and it scared the poo out of me. I said to him, "Oh hi, what are you doing here?" and all he said was "I thought I'd come home. Is there anything to eat?" to which I directed him to the frozen meat in the freezer, which he could cook by himself. Then I just.. kept on with my cleaning. He started telling me about his weekend plans and how his barber wants him to start doing jiu jitsu (which he immediately said BUT IM NOT GOING TO)... all the while i just kind of responded with mhmm and cool while I cleaned. He kept trying to get my attention and engage me in conversation.
But you know what? I really didn't feel like conversing and hanging out with someone who thinks its ok to just leave and disappear without a word and then randomly reappear like nothing even happened. So I was polite and distantly responsive, but I just stopped feeling like I cared. If he wants to hang out and talk at me, fine. If he wants to leave and say nothing, also fine. I'm just going to keep living my life and he's welcome to participate.
I also have thoughts about if he's going to regret all of this when I leave or will he really just not care and just go on like nothing happened.
I've been reading other posters and it is nice to know that I'm not alone in this and other people have husbands JUST LIKE MINE.
I also have thoughts about if he's going to regret all of this when I leave or will he really just not care and just go on like nothing happened.
Normal thoughts. Eventually you won't care about this either. Detachment doesn't happen all at once, and you have ups and downs b/c it's emotions. That's OK though.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I think he's caught on that I'm thinking of taking the dog. Aside from taking our old dog to his chemo treatment, H never took care of the dog. I was like the dog mom taking them for walks, feeding them, making sure their shots were up to date, making sure they were registered with the town and doing all of their training. Out of the blue he texts me yesterday that he is taking the dog to the vet today to get him his next shots that are due. Like... what? Does he even know what shots he needs? He only takes them when theres an emergency because he's closer than I am to the house during work hours. Really starting to feel like I'm gonna miss my dog more than my husband, and we've only had our new dog for 14 months. Our old dog died last July. I think its a contributing piece to my husbands depression, I've never seen him cry more than when we had to put that dog down.
I digress.
Yesterday I finally got myself to mail out a few boxes of things to my parent's place. I think i was so slow to do it because I was in denial. I was thinking me staying here and sticking it out would change his mind. Now I realize, it won't make a difference because he's always gone, and he isn't ready to change his mind, if he even wants to at all. I know I shouldn't be the one to leave because HE's the one who wants a divorce so he should leave, but he's the only reason I moved way out here in the first place. I don't have any family here, it's all his. All my friends are married to his friends so I can't talk about anything without him finding out. I hate my job and only kept it because I made a decent amount of money (every time I would mention finding a new job he would say, "but are you going to find another job that would pay you as much?" I know, i know, he isn't to blame for my job unhappiness), it's not really going anywhere.
My MC tells me me leaving him and going home could be the thing that ends the relationship for good... or saves it. I can't really know how he'll be after I leave. Before all of this and the BD, I did write him an apologize letter, owning up to everything that I did wrong and the things that I need to fix in our relationship. My MC wants to read it so I asked H to give to back to me. He conveniently misplaced it.
His birthday is 2/13 so I got him a birthday/valentines day card. I used to get him birthday/anniversary/valentines cards and he would just read them and throw them away. Last anniversary, I gave up and didn't get him a card because it didn't seem like he really cared and WOW did that come up in his BD. How he was so hurt that I didn't even get him a card. (Never mind the trip i planned to Quebec for the anniversary, that was just garbage, he really just wanted the greeting card) Not sure if I'm gonna give him this birthday card...
Went for a long drive today and got to thinking, I don't think these DB tactics are really going to work for me/him. I was reading a lot of other threads and it just seems like everyone else spouses are more passionate about things, in a both good and bad way. I know I said there are a lot of spouses that are behaving just like my H, he's just apathetic. I know theres no way of me knowing what he's thinking, nor should I try to figure it out, the way he looks at me (when he even does anymore) just makes my heart sink. Most of the time if i try to make eye contact with him he just gets shifty eyed and looks at my feet, but when he does look at him its almost like a disgusted look. As if i had cheated on him or something and he can't even look at me. When he walks around the house he tries to stay as far away from me as possible. But yet sometimes gives me hugs, or asks me to come over and look at his phone...
He's stopped texting me as much now, he only checks in for things he needs to ask me. Up until last week he would continue to text me randomly throughout the day about his day or funny things he found online. He doesn't do that anymore. Basically, I'm getting the vibe that he's already moved on, and all thats missing is the papers.
I had skype drinks last night with one of my best friends from high school (Its like getting a drink with a friend, except you're at home on a webcam haha) We ended up talking for like 3 hours and he played me some tunes on his guitar and it was really nice to just talk to someone who's outside of all this.
On the positive uplifting side, I was remembering a conversation I had with my MC about things that I'm afraid of. It's sad, but for a long time losing my H was one of my greatest fears, because I love him so much. Now that I have to face that fear, everything else that I was afraid to do seems so easy, and thats kind of nice. I was afraid to quit my job and go back to school so pursue something I'm passionate about. I don't feel afraid of that anymore. Honestly, if I can make it through my greatest fear and come out the other side, I know i'll only be that much stronger, and I can do anything.
Everything you're saying like he's not looking me in the eye or texting me as much I experienced. But you really don't know why he's doing that and it doesn't mean much as far as hope for getting him back into the MR. What kind of things is he texting you about that you think are needs? When you slow it down, he may wonder why you aren't as responsive, it may change things for him.
You have a good male friend? Is he gay? I'm not judging, but usually male friends maintain the friendship as part of a long term plan to achieve a certain goal, and the woman is happy to tell everyone how they are "just friends". I don't know that this means anything to your sitch but it stood out to me. My W's OM was "just a friend".
The attitude your H is taking sounds similar to the one you should take.
As far a separating, that's up to you. Is he having an affair? If not, then I'm not sure if separation is something I would do or not do. It's harder that way. If he was having an affair separation would be more sensible. Either way he may find a way to make you the bad guy, that's how it usually happens. I'm very very happy to read that you have worked through your fear of quitting that job and pursuing your dream. You only live once.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
