Still in limbo

[Living]

Hi dear,

Just checking in on you again, and looks like it has been some emotional days to say the least.

I think you did very well in regards to your conversation with your husband, and you should be proud of yourself for conducting yourself the way you did. It must have been hard on you, and I think the way you responded was textbook stuff.

Here are my thoughts, when reflecting on your journaling.

Basically, you shook your, excuse me for my language, dumbass, ignorant, selfcentered excuse for a husband (for now, that can all change, and hopefully it will). But, you shook him good by going away, and you did exactly what I was on about in my earlier post. You showed, that you are that independant woman, that does not need him in your life in order to be happy, to do things, to advance. That was most likely not what he expected at all, and he REACTED to you doing something out of the ordinary.

Did this pull him out of his fog? most likely not, I believe, and take this as speculations, because I have no qualifications to say this from a professional point of view, but I believe, that he saw a glimpse of what you are becoming, and that he is not nessecarily involved in that future. He didn't like it. Does that mean he is ready to begin the things he stated in regards to reconciling? I have my doubts.

I do believe, this behavior needs to be consistant, and he needs to be the one who comes to you. You need to do you, and you are doing it very well, and I KNOW the toll it takes on you mentally, but stay strong, for you!

So, heres my 2 cents.

- Do validate, do listen, do agree without making promises.
- Let him show you with his ACTIONS that he is ready to try and see, if there is grounds for beginning the path to R, but let those actions be plentiful.
- Do not let go of the rope to detachment now, because if you do, I am afraid he will crawl back and you will have to start over, hurting even more than you have so far.
- GAL
- Stay on course according to setting up a life for you, make the deadlines for you, so you have short-term and long-term goals towards becoming completely independant.


Hugs from across the pond.

/hurt

Hello Hurt,

You gave me such beautiful advice, thank you so much. I’ll definitely keep it all in mind because I think you’re most likely right.

You’re right that I did something my H never expected me to do. It’s true that rocked him to his core.

I also agree about consistency. Lack of consistency is one of the reasons we are in this mess now. We both pointed out issues we had with the other (at points in our relationship). We would fix those things temporarily and then be back to business as usual. Lack of consistency, lack of communication, and taking each other for granted is why our marriage is in life support.

Truth is we both have a lot of work to do to fix this marriage (if it comes to that). But I can’t do the work for both of us. Like you said, my H needs to show me with his actions that he’s ready to see if we can fix things.

Only time will tell that. I asked him to give me a little space. To allow me a couple of days to just freaking relax. I’ll let him come to me, as you suggested, I think that’s perfect advice.

Again, thanks so much for your amazing advice. I’m so grateful for this forum, I swear!