I has been couple months, since we have been living in separate rooms. We had been together for 18 years, no kids On December 9th I asked what was going on with her. I felt like she was spending more and more time by herself and did not want to spend with me or our friends. She was very secretive and I asked how she felt about our relationship and she could not answer. I had a bad feeling that she was cheating and started to pay more attention to her whereabouts. She stopped wearing wedding band probably since the beginning of November. On 12/26/18 She said she went to Nordstrom store. I tracked her phone and confirmed that she was in residential area and meeting a guy and having sex. Once she came back from his place I confronted her and she admitted that she saw him couples times. The guy is 10 years younger at first she said it just a fling. For couple weeks since then I have been a mess, however I quickly decided that I needed help and called therapist and started my healing process. I started reading divorce busting and researching how to communicate and work thru this. I stopped bothering her, gave her space and time. We would just say to each other good morning and good night and maybe some polite conversation. i was reading about boundaries and asked her not to use our house for affair resources. Today 02/09 I said that i felt being disrespected, by her continuing this affair. I asked why she haven't come to me sooner to talk about our problems and she said that she was a coward. I stated that I might live couple more month like this and said she might need to move out. I said sometime people need to spend time seperatly .Couple of my friends know of this, they helped me a lot. we haven' told family or any other of our friends. . I had been spending a lot of time outside with friends going to a dance class, gym. I had been on my best behavior, however I am not sure if there is a chance on this anymore.
Sorry you are going through such a tough thing. However, welcome to the board, there are a lot of good people here to help. Read and read some more.
Most of what you will find here is about you, not your W. Digging deep,inside you and fixing those things to make yourself a better person. Being on your best behavior won't change much. Not saying to be intentionally rude or mean, however 'being nicer' won't do much other than frustrate you as she continues her behavior. It's her choice to cheat, that's cowardly behavior to me.
Snooping leads to a lot of heartache, you already know enough info. How do you see this ending up for you?
Welcome Brother.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
thats the one thing i didnt do . i didn't do any snooping of any kind. Part of me wanted to, but the other part of me said absolutely not. stay away from that mess.
I has been couple months, since we have been living in separate rooms. We had been together for 18 years, no kids On December 9th I asked what was going on with her. I felt like she was spending more and more time by herself and did not want to spend with me or our friends. She was very secretive and I asked how she felt about our relationship and she could not answer. I had a bad feeling that she was cheating and started to pay more attention to her whereabouts. She stopped wearing wedding band probably since the beginning of November. On 12/26/18 She said she went to Nordstrom store. I tracked her phone and confirmed that she was in residential area and meeting a guy and having sex. Once she came back from his place I confronted her and she admitted that she saw him couples times. The guy is 10 years younger at first she said it just a fling. For couple weeks since then I have been a mess, however I quickly decided that I needed help and called therapist and started my healing process. I started reading divorce busting and researching how to communicate and work thru this. I stopped bothering her, gave her space and time. We would just say to each other good morning and good night and maybe some polite conversation. i was reading about boundaries and asked her not to use our house for affair resources. Today 02/09 I said that i felt being disrespected, by her continuing this affair. I asked why she haven't come to me sooner to talk about our problems and she said that she was a coward. I stated that I might live couple more month like this and said she might need to move out. I said sometime people need to spend time seperatly .Couple of my friends know of this, they helped me a lot. we haven' told family or any other of our friends. . I had been spending a lot of time outside with friends going to a dance class, gym. I had been on my best behavior, however I am not sure if there is a chance on this anymore.
Paul, I am so sorry for you. I am glad you are here because we can help, but I am also sad for you that you are here.
Thank you for telling us you have no kids. My advice always changes a bit for those without kids. When kids are involved, whether people want to admit it or not, it is important to consider what D does to kids. But when there are no kids involved you can be a little more selfish. You can ask questions like "Do I really want to be married to a cheater?" "Can I ever trust her again?" "I wonder how hot my new girlfriend will be?" Stuff like that.
I know you are going through a rough time. I, and others, often say that I wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy. But the good news is that you get decide what is best for you. And you get to look ahead to the future and decide what YOU want.
Also, I feel that if you truly move on eventually she will come back and want you, and you will get to decide whether you stay together or split apart.
Sounds like you are doing the right things. If she continues the affair I would get a little more forceful about her moving out.
Hang in there, you will be better off one way or the other.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you guys for responding so quickly, it means so much to me. I am trying to be strong, I have never thought that betrayal pain could be so unbearable. I will continue to read posts here and I will stop snooping as it makes my heart ache even more.
sorry to hear about your situation. Be strong, even when it's hard. Your emotions will betray you if you let them. But know that no matter how bad you feel at a given moment, that feeling will pass. It's one thing I've learned, you can manage those emotions, and you know that those emotions come and go.
I think you are doing the right things by getting out of the house and asking her to move out. Maybe consider going to the gym too if you don't already. Plenty to do and see there.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I had couple questions regarding texting. My wife texts me when " she will be back later" which means that she is seeing 3rd party. At first I used to respond OK, but know i feel this is just enabling her as well. Like yesterday, about 10 pm on she sent another text message that she will be back this morning. Should I just ignore that ? should I send something back? Yesterday I responded to her 2 month left 1 d penalty. I think this is just almost anger in me talking. Today I said you can ignore this message because I was sleeping. Today I asked her if she wanted to go to see a therapist as I was seeing one for 3 weeks already. She said no, which did not surprise me, I just said ok. By the way, we had signed a separation agreement couple weeks ago, which I initiated as I said I do not trust 3rd party and he might influence her I said this is for my own protection.
Today I asked her if she wanted to go to see a therapist as I was seeing one for 3 weeks already. She said no, which did not surprise me, I just said ok.
Don't pressure her to see someone. Even if she does it'll just be to say she "tried everything".
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By the way, we had signed a separation agreement couple weeks ago, which I initiated as I said I do not trust 3rd party and he might influence her I said this is for my own protection.
Do you mean an informal agreement or you filed for legal S?
Regarding communications I agree with LB. Business only.
