Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can #

[marina7]

Journaling,

Lately I been down. Lots of emotions
Lots of self healing.

Today is a sad day, and now that I reflect is since
February started, is my birthday soon and my aunt
Birthday today,who pass away 22yrs ago.

Where do I start with my aunt.

I was raised in east coast and a typical
Crazy latino home, bio mom who is a narcissist
Chaos family who always looks for chaos.
And here is me who never felt like I fitted in
Never liked chaos, or felt I belong in this family.

My aunt was amazing and uncle who she married
when she was 33yrs old he was in army and American
They had no kids and lived in suburbs away from the
City.

There was a story where my aunt offered my bio mom
Money to take me. From what I heard I was always
Dirty and matted hair. I remember my aunt and uncle
Picking me up always taking care of me. Pretty dresses
And we just hang out No TV just radio, did puzzles and
Fly kites we build them too, and cooking my
Aunt did homemade pasta,sauce and fresh
Garden. Those are memories
I will never forget.

Aunt and uncle where my safe place.
I remember bio mom kept me away from aunt when
Bio mom was having her days.

As I got older I would get out of school, after school
Pack a little book bag and catch 2 trains and a bus.
And aunt, uncle left me keys under a plant pot

I think bio mom was to high or crazy to realize I was
Gone for the weekend at 10yrs old.

I sit here now at 40 and say wow am bless I was never
Taken from a stranger. At 10yrs old catching a train and bus

But honestly I would do anything to be away from home
My aunt and uncle where my sanity I felt like I was not
going crazy. I always knew I could sleep and eat well and was
Safe.

I still remember the day I knew my aunt was dying.
I was 17 I was over my aunt was a healthy women
But this time look skinny to me my aunt was never thin

We where doing a puzzle and I then started taking
Pictures through Polaroid and I grab my little camera
And took her last picture of her and till this day I have
Carried that picture with me everywhere. No matter
Where I go that picture goes with me.

That also was the day my aunt said am dying
And honestly that was the day my life stop.
I remember saying No please as she crabs my hands
And says, am sorry but you going to be ok I promise
And I will always be with you M. And not even 6 months
After my aunt told me she pass from stomach cancer
And it spread everywhere.

I seen before my eyes a strong women just slowly vanish
I held her hand till her last breath. I remember my uncle
Saying, M she won't go because of you. You need to let
Her know is Ok to go so she can let go.

So that day May 13 1997 I went downstairs to kitchen
Took a deep breath, walk to her room and laid next to her
And I laid with her and talk with my aunt for like an hour and
Thank her for everything and how she saved me and what
She means to me. Then I whispered to my aunt

Is ok to let go. Just please watch over me. I love you so much
Is ok to go to God he is waiting for you, and I remember her taking
a deep breath and then gone.

My uncle was right, my aunt needed me to let go and it was the hardest
Part of me died that day also. But I knew I had to live to make her proud.

My aunt and uncle are amazing. They had a love I wanted when I grew up
I remember asking my aunt if she ever fought with my uncle because they
Where perfect. My aunt responded always.

Is easier to walk away and harder to stay. So M when you get married you
Fight for what you love and never walk away.

My aunt was the first person I told I am a lesbian and she reminded me
That always be me. And as long I am me people will love me because I am me

And here I am, I always been me.

So yes today is a hard day as I miss her and hope she sees how hard
I tried my best to keep my family together. As long I make her proud that's
What Matters to me.

One day at a time.....