Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 6)

[Bo562]

Great! I won't blow sunshine up your a$$

My love language is affirming words, but every now and then I need someone to beat me over the head with a reality stick.

Like Master Yoda said "Do or do not. There is no try".

Right. At the end of the day, I didn’t do it, and fell short.

This sounds more like invalidating her feelings.

You’re probably right. Validating is an area of continuing improvement.

Last night when she talked about what I’ve done that hurts her, I would acknowledge that my intent was never to hurt her, and that I can’t change the past, I can only apologize and move forward.

FWIW, my L doesn’t believe that it would necessarily qualify as abuse—for family law, there is a very specific standard.

Agree.

Which part do you agree with? For family law, there being a specific standard for abuse, or would you agree with my L?

Your making changes for you. Who cares what she thinks!

Keep working on the things YOU want to change about yourself.

Not because they bothered her but because you would like to change them.

Noticing a theme here. Like most LBSs, I did 180’s initially with the hope of getting her back, or avoiding S / D. But as I’ve discovered in my later dealings with her, and have read here on the forum, it doesn’t really matter for her. Need to keep focus on self.

Work on confidence / assertiveness. I go back and forth on this one—sometimes I act with healthy confidence and assertiveness, sometimes not so much. Need to work on consistency.

I feel like one of the blessings of my job as a teacher is that I daily have a chance to work on that and improve with students / colleagues. I feel like I am improving in this regard.

I’ve also become better about forgetfulness. I write stuff down a lot, use calendar apps, but for me forgetfulness sometimes is a result of me avoiding things (sounds dumb, I know; also as passive-aggressiveness). So for me, part of the 180 is being less afraid of taking things on (also goes hand-in-hand with confidence / assertiveness).

Being more open about sexuality will help me be a healthier person overall. I know I shouldn’t focus on relationships down the road, but I know that that will help much later on.

Part of it for me is that I’m rather traditional / conservative in my Catholic beliefs, so for part of me it’s reconciling being faithful to what I believe. Part of it is also the fact that sex wasn’t much of a topic growing up, so I’m still growing into myself in that regard. I don’t want to blame my upbringing / parents, but it is a factor, and something I’m looking to change.

To be honest, I do believe that there are kernels of truth here, and that I do need to grow in certain areas to become a better person overall. I’m trying to change what I can—I know that some things are ‘hard-wired’ within me, so will take extra amounts to change, and some aspects of my personality won’t totally change, and I am working to be at peace with that.