Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Hi,
Popping in with a quick journal.

I actually really like when I have dreams about my ex because it gives me a glimpse into what is going on in my subconscious.

He was in my dream last night where we had gone to someone’s house because he was going to buy a gigantic python snake. He wanted it to just roam the house. In my head I knew the snake represented him, but I couldn’t tell him that. Ok so In the dream, we were divorced... not friends, but amicable. I knew it was weird to be with him, but I felt nothing. Zero, nada. In fact in the car, I just looked at him like he was an alien and had to bite my tongue a couple times because of the weird/ non-sense he would say (like living with a giant snake).

Anyway, on the way back in the car, I had a pang because we passed a house that was just like ours and I wanted to make the connection, but I didn’t want to expose the hurt I still had over it. Then a few minutes later, he made a comment about how nice it was that he had a housekeeper and all these amenities at his fingertips.

I lost it and finally got to scream all the obscenities at him that I’ve been holding back for he last 5 years. It was awesome. He didn’t react, just got stone cold silent and then dropped me off at my first apartment I moved into after bd.

Then I woke up.

I wish that dream was real!

I have a lot of built up resentment over the house and finances. Obviously! We put so much effort into flipping the house and making it liveable. We lived through floods and construction, and times when we had no heat or hot water. And built a house that doubled in equity. Honestly, I didn’t want to live there. I wanted to be settled in a house that was done...I wanted to enjoy our time as newlyweds. But since my ex has dollar signs where his eyes should be; we made the sacrifice and investment for our future. He never valued my opinion in the process of creating this home, and I even told him I didn’t feel welcome in my own house..... a few years later, the truth came out... he intentionally made sure my money didn’t go to this because he saw it as an investment only and not our home where we would be starting a family, etc.

So, that’s where my angst comes in. That guy took everything from me. I let him.
Fortunately, I gained a lot back in terms of self worth, etc. but I still have this insane financial situation to deal with and that is hard for me. . I’m struggling so, so, so much and he’s not. He’s living the good life- superficially.