Been reading your story and as everybody here, I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found this safe haven of people, who have all been where you are right now.
I have been around for a while now, and have begun to see the patterns, so I think that makes me able to contribute with a little knowledge that I have learned over time - take it for what it is, a contribution, not a me trying to rack down on your emotions or choices, they are yours completely. I am merely trying to offset your perspective on things a little here.
I think first of all, you are, understandably, very very detached. You want to work this out, you are changing, and you are listening to the best of your ability to the vet talk on here. However. I see a side of you, that you need to reflect upon. You are very, very much detached emotionally. And of course you are. But, you need to shift the focus. A lot of your journaling is based on how she reacts to things you do (you need to care about the things you do, but for your sake, for your kids sake, not for her sake - she is not important right now) <-- heck, she is researching vacations, making schedules for your separate lifes and what else there is...
Here are the facts.
1. Your wife fired you, and you need to accept, that for now, and maybe forever, she is no longer interested in you.
(yea Hurt, thats easy for you to say... <--- fuch no, its not. I have been where you are, with two small children aged 1 and 3 when this happened to me. Trust me, I know EXACTLY how bloody hard it is, to realize, that this will never EVER change for the better, as long as the focus is on what WW does, what WW thinks, and how WW reacts).
The change towards a bright future, starts within you. Do not give a rats ass about her actions unless they are actions that go beyond borders that you are willing to follow through on. Show her an I, who is strong, confident, moving forward - an I, who will be fine, who has goals in life, that you are willing to pursue, and she does not need to partake in those adventures, because.. she chose not to. Be respectful, validate her feelings, because. They are hers, and you can think they are dumb as fuch, but honestly, it is what she feels now, and you or no man for that fact, can or should change that.
She needs to see, a spouse, that has the courage to keep moving forward despite the adversity thrown at you. Hold your head high, be there for your family, and she will see, in time, what she is missing. Show her through your actions, and let her live her life, while you live yours. Do not act mean, condesenting but try to really listen when she says something. Holster your negative emotions, and only show her, that you are in a good place.
Two things in particular, and trust me, I have done this, because, wow its hard not to:
1. Stop mind reading <-- "She put her hand on my arm", well there can be 1000 upon 1000 of reasons for that, and most likely the reason is not the one you want it to be, so dont dwell with these things. If she is ready to come back, I can assure you, that there will be a hell of a lot mere than arm patting coming your way. The signs will be clear as day.
2. Covert contracts <--- "She made dinner, I then cleaned the dishes, and didn't receive a thank you.. not doing that again".. <-- you see, you didn't clean the dishes, because they needed cleaning. They were cleaned, because you EXPECTED an reaction from her. You are not in a place in time, where its wise to assume anything from her. You need to do things, because its the right thing to do. You will build up a lot of negative mental energy with covert contracts, where you do things, but expect something in return. Frankly, most of the time these contracts are not filled, and you will end up resenting her, and she sees you as weak and moping for it. That is not the I, you wanna show her because, who wants to be with a man like that?
I wish you have a wonderful day.
English is not my mothertongue, so pardon if some of the points im trying to make, strike you as odd.
/H
Very well said, I could not have said it better myself and English is my mother tongue!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
