Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[SteveLW]

Here is a laugh and a half. W who in past always accused me of not remembering certain parts of conversations, (partial truth because I do have minor short term cognitive memory issues, which I am seeking help for.) (Years ago we used to date and sign important topics and events but fell by wayside.) There would also be times where W would withhold or neglect to mention vital pieces of information, appointment dates and social events, etc.and claim she told me, and never actually did. She is such a "cake eating" behavior specialist who cannot see her own behaviors, and always tries to have things both ways.

So anyways... Tonight I get home, go through the usual motions of "how was your day" asked how her father and mother were doing since dad in law wound up in hospital with pancreatitis, and has early dimentia, mom in law takes care if him and our son while we both work. She took off today to watch our son, the house looked like a tornado went through it, (As usual) Garbage and dishes all over the kitchen, living room, and dining room. (Some times Mom in law cleans up her mess when she baby sits here. She did nothing absolutely nothing all day but, browse online for her new fantasy life, and researching potential places of vacationing there. (fact) and paid a few joint bills. She made up a schedule yesterday of split responsibilities, bills, and parenting schedules.

So first thing I discuss is the in-laws, then I move the subject to a bargining of me watching our son tomorrow since she took off today, I will use a vacation day for tomorrow to watch our son and relieve my mother in law, but on the condition that she leave work by 2pm to alleviate me, since i have IC appointment at 3pm. We both are taking off Friday for son's eye surgery. She eventually agrees to proposition. Neglected to tell me she took half day yesterday. Said sick days were dwindling. Last week I took half day to pick her up for endoscopy from hospital as preliminary for gastric bypass. Then she changes her mind over weekend. Shes not going to do it. Now she's stsrying to exercise with DDP Yoga. Proud of her for taking natural route. Lets see if she stays committed and motivated to actual hard work. Or if this is just more of $$ wasted on health plans that she fails to stay committed to.

Since she cooked dinner for both of us, I agreed to do the dishes out of consideration, and thanked her twice for cooking. ( No thank you's from her for the clean up.) Last time I do that. Sticking with seperated meals and responsibilities F/T now. I eat at the table intentionally with my son. She as usual sits on the couch watching Teresa's Psychic Medium, Jersey Shore, Vanderpump whatever.. (more reality shows.)

I make a mention of her initial proposal of alternation each individual watching S every other weekend. I set ground rules of no switching or last minute cancellation without 24hrs to 48hrs notice. We discuss logistics of whole weekends with S and how that looks inside IHS. Since baby's room is next to MBR and Guest rm. Where she now resides. Its expected that I still hang in basement to "give her her space" but I now sleep in MBR. I agree to hang with S in basement on "my weekends." N.P.
(Going to be tough because he climbs stairs now.) Have to get door in stairwell.

This is where it gets comical. She forgot that I moved back into MBR, even though its been a week! She wanted me to sleep with him in basement and change him down there as well. (Whole IHS scripted plan.) So I replied "Wait What!?" Then it hit her. I'm still upstairs in MBR. So then I bring up topic of vacationing and parenting, just to throw her another curve ball since she was researching vacation packages, properties and arbnb in her fantasy new life escape destination. She replies back, monies are tight and doesn't plan on going anywhere for spring break or vacationing anywhere right now. (Teacher) But with body language, shakes head in bewilderment and surprise of why I would ask that (denial) I then propose we each take a turn every night putting our S to bed. (Good practice for future post D and physically seperated single life.) Since i am working 8hrs a day and driving for another 5hrs. Trying to keep new workout schedule. Probably will have to switch it to mornings. I only typically sleep 4 hrs a night and has been that way for years.

So IH, how did you feel after this discussion? My experience is that I felt like crap after these discussions. Oh sure there were some mixed emotions. "I really told her when I said XYZ!" But the problem is that these discussion do not do anything to get you where you want to be. That is why we advise to NOT bring up an R talk. And only listen and validate when she does. If she presses for an answer "Please give me a yes or no on splitting childcare." A simple "This is a lot to consider and I will need some time before I provide an answer."

But anyway. I am sorry but I just have to say it, I am not sure how remaining in the basement with S during your weekends earns you respect from her? I mentioned Nice Guy Syndrome to you before. You show NGS tendencies. Please try to read No MOre Mr. Nice Guy. It is NOT about becoming a jerk. It is about how being nice doesn't earn you anything. For instance, a lot of nice guys think that by being nice a woman should sleep with them. Hidden agendas. You aren't really being nice, you are being nice thinking it will benefit you in some way. It is a great read.