Still in Limbo

[Living]

Living,

You are kind, you have insight, you are beautiful, and I type all of this, without having ever, and will most likely never cross paths with you in real life.

Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear that.

You say you will never get, how a person can act like your husband has, and still is. Well, you are right, because only he can justify his behavior and his reasons - and you know what, that is a bloody hard thing to realize, because if he thinks its right, then, its right, and nobody can or should convince him otherwise - the world doesn't work that way even though we all wish it did from time to time.

It’s a hard thing to realize in deed. But it is what it is.

One thing stepped out to me, in your last entry here. and I think maybe, that is because you made it in capitol letters. LET GO, thats right. That is basically all you can do, and should do. Doormats are 2 bucks in the nearest wallmart, and you girl, you are priceless, so dont be that doormat.

They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. I can admit that I never let him go. I was on that path but again, I let him pull me back into his chaos. Clarity is a beautiful thing. After a good nights rest, I can see where I made mistakes in this DB process. So I will start again, no shame in that.

Let him live his life, while you find yourself. Let him sort out the mess he is, and do not partake in that journey. Listen to him, try to understand his perspective, but do so, with a very rationel mindset - dont trust his words, validate them but let them pass, and let his actions speak for him, and its pretty clear that his words and actions have not been going in the same direction - which is why we just validate, but believe only half of what they say.

Will do.

Sort out your life, you sound so strong, but you need to stop being the victim. He hurt you, dear. He hurt you bad. But you know what, get up, make a list of what needs to happen for you RIGHT now, in order to not depend on him for anything, in order for you to be in a state, where you are in control of you, that will empower you greatly. Start working on that list. Set up deadlines, because that will keep you focused on completing those goals, instead of sliding back when emotions kick in, and you feel sad, hurt and like the world is too much.

It’s funny that you said all of this becusse a dear friend gave me the exact same advice yesterday. This is what I intend on doing while I’m away this weekend.

Be that independant woman, who takes charge, who creates a life for you and your family (f... him for now, NO not literally) - and then he will see in time, that you are who we all see, a special, kind, and loving woman who deserves someone who appreciates all your qualities.

Thank you for this statement. That’s who I have to get back to. That’s where my focus needs to be. I can honestly say I’ve been way too focused on him. Focused on his depression, focusesed on his feelings, etc. Guess who he’s focused on...him. Time for me to do the same.

Maybe that will knock him off the rails, and realize what he lost, and maybe, you dont care by then. If you do, then you have an entirely new view on your life, and you will be able to rationalize by then, if he is really worth betting on. I am sure, a lot would have to change when you are at that place in time.

When I get to this point, he won’t stand a chance. I know myself. I love and I love hard. I’m loyal and I’ll give it all that I can. But when I finally get to that point where I’m done, I’M DONE.

If after I’ve reached this point, he comes back and admits he made a mistake...I’ll listen to him, accept his apology, forgive him, and wish him well. However, we will have reached the point of no return. A person can only take so much.

Again, thank you for all the amazing advice and the kind words. Inside me is a warrior, I just have to release her from her cage. I’ve been through a lot in life and one thing that I can say is I’m a survivor...an overcomer.

Hugs!