Still in Limbo

[Living]

Ready2Change,

Thank you, I appreciate it. I woke up this morning still in some pain. I have a medical condition where stress causes my body physical pain. So I know I have to get it together and be kind to my body.

I know what I’m about to say is nuts. I know I will never get it but I just can’t understand how a man can come up behind you and kiss you on the neck, tell you he loves you, but an hour later say to you (during the forbidden R talk) that it’s just not there anymore. I’m not sure what he means when he says that it’s just not there anymore. I think he’s referring to the marriage. Maybe his desire to stay married, his comittment to the marriage. I’m not sure. It’s hard for me to believe the just not there is in reference to his feelings for me. But maybe that’s what he means.

But I’ve decided that I’m not going to stay with someone who says to me it just isn’t there anymore. I can’t make someone love me and I can’t force someone to stay with me. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.

So my goal for the next couple of weeks is to one get my mind right and two come up with a game plan for the next chapter of my life. I also have to get myself to accept that my H is no longer the man I married. That he is no longer that knight in shining armor that was always there for me. He’s no longer my partner, my confidant, my dear friend. I have to start accepting him for who he truly is now.

I have to once and for all LET HIM GO. I also have to let go of the dreams of the life we planned for our future. I have to accept that I will have a future but it will look different than we’ve been planning. I know some day the sun will shine and life will go on. But I have some very big pills to swallow.

Truth is my H has had lots of time to prepare for his life after me. Since I was blindsided by his BD, I haven’t had the time to prepare for life after him. He’s the one that makes the most money and financially he will be fine. Me on the other hand, I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to financially support my S and myself. The silver lining in this is that he met me I was a single mother of 2, doing it all on my own. So I’ve been in that place before. Thank God my son is older now.

IMO my H has made his mind up. Sure it could be one of the biggest mistakes he makes in his life. But it’s his mistake to make. He has always been one to have to learn things the hard way. One day he may regret letting me go. But he can’t see that in his current mental state.

I think him coming up with the idea that we stay in the house together is so that things can be better on him financially. He wants to make it seem like he’s trying to do the right thing but I think he’s trying to do the right thing for himself.

He went from I’m moving out to I’ve decided it doesn’t make sense financially for me to move out.

So he’s stays

I detach

he peruses me like I bandit

being stupid I give in and drink his kool-aid

He’s happy again and why shouldn’t he be he’s successfully pulled me back on is roller coaster ride. He must feel on top of the world. He gets to fire me as his wife, sleep in another room, but still get the benefits of having a wife (the same wife he claims to no longer have it for).

I have successfully become his door mat.

And typing all that up is my first step in admitting that I’ve been a big a22 fool. This is what I need to deal with and work on!