Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Gerda]

DnJ, you know how much I admire you and value your wisdom, but I was struck by something reading this post of yours.

I would like you to imagine for a moment your last year had your W been doing all that she is doing while living with you, coming and going as if she was just a very bad roommate and leaving all family responsibilities behind, loving at least one other man and sleeping on your couch in a small apartment, and the first two years after BD still owning 2 businesses together, and the rest of it still owning one business together.

Now imagine doing that not for one year but for over five. And during that time to live alone through cancer and court battles for the business.

Imagine that at some point in your journey, you start asking your W to take some time away so you and the kids can have a little peace and healing. She won't leave. Then after five years of this she files. You request that the court ask her to leave. The court can't.

The other night I found myself in a spiritual free fall and I was crying so hard I just lay on the floor of the altar at my church (no one else was there). I was telling God everything, asking Him to come quickly, keep me from sinking. And for some reason I started saying, "No no, God is here too," and then I started listing all the darkest times and places in history in which I knew He was present -- I mean I was saying things like, "God was in the death camps, God was in Rwanda," it was that intense. And I started to remember his presence in very specific historical moments (names and places), and just repeating them over and over until my heart started to feel lighter, and I knew God was with me, and that all I had to do was keep walking and never doubt His purpose for me or his grace in giving me what I needed to walk through this dark place with light.

Last night I had to remind myself of what I had understood then -- that my H 's battle isn't mine. My own battle is with my own will, not my H's. Once I understand that, detachment comes naturally, and so does kindness. Last night I made popcorn for my H and my D and set them up with a movie on the couch and went up to my room in peace, and it was the first time D had spent with H like that in many months.

I know I will sink again. I am always battling my will and doubting God. But I know also how I can find peace, when I can subdue my will.

I think you are amazing. But you had a certain kind of blessing in being set free on day one of BD. Some of us have a much more difficult path to peace.