At BD, I thought I did forgive my W and that I was capable of it. Later I found out this was a feeling that I am not prepared to deal with yet. It's hard for me to forgive my W after having a moment of clarity. I do know I need to forgive myself because I was naïve.
There is a time and place for forgiveness and right now, that feeling is best left buried somewhere. I don't think I need to forgive W to move forward. The opposite is also true in that I don't need to resent W to move forward.
I will allow myself time to feel both and be honest about it.
My W hasn't earned forgiveness and the first step I need for that is acknowledgement of what she did. She hasn't and most likely will never admit to what she is doing. As an adult, a H with faults, I can accept a woman who is imperfect, maybe someone who is trying. I don't think I can accept a woman who neglects the family over her own personal interests. I don't think I can accept a woman who puts another man over her children.
I yearn for the comfort of my W. I know how this can make someone weak and vulnerable. I choose to stand and its tough and can be lonely. My W will never see this hurt. She will never face it.
Like love is, forgiveness is a choice. With both, you need to put effort into it to make it work. I don't think its a switch I can turn on or turn off. It's part of a process. I think part of loving someone who loves you back requires forgiveness as part of that process.
If I were to ever be in recon, I'd need to dig up those feelings and deal with them. For now, I don't see a need, but I am not faced with a lot of internalizing these emotions so maybe it's just easier for me, choosing to not think too much into it for the moment.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
