Not sure if this is going to work ... originally posted on your old thread, but got a topic locked message ... ------- Self forgiveness is a difficult one. You have to first strip away the many layers of narrative that we overlay to protect ourselves from ourselves. I am not there yet. There are times when protecting my own ego stops me from getting to the nut of it.
"I did A, because he did B".
A is self awareness B is self preservation.
"I became cold and detached because he was critical and controlling" or "I neglected our MR because I was focused on being a mother". I have to stop at "I became cold and detached" and "I neglected our MR". Sometimes I manage it ... sometimes a little voice whispers "... because he was a [censored]".
Yes, my H is controlling, overly critical, suspicious and judgemental. Just like your H is a coward for living two lives instead of trying to fix the one he had. They both preferred to wipe away the past and start again with a blank sheet instead of doing the work. They took the easy way out (though they both probably know now there is no easy way, no blank slate, with kids).
But we can't control our Hs and we can't change the past.
All I have is the knowledge that "I am cold and detached", "I am dismissive and can make people feel inadequate" and "I neglected our MR". This I can control. This I can change.
Anyway, random thoughts. My exBF visited with my kids and I the other day. He mentioned I can be negative about my H infront of the kids - nothing major like "he is a [censored]" but side comments like "he insists on a TV in EVERY room" when I was showing my exBF around the house. I have normalised H bashing to the point it doesn't seem like H bashing. I still have some ways to go it seems.
But, that we are willing to look says something about how far we have come. Most people never have that desire to truly know themselves.
