My Story Pt 2

[Manta]

How did you family and friends react when you reconciled? Was it hard for you....

[SteveLW]

How did you family and friends react when you reconciled? Was it hard for you....

There were no issues because we never told them there were problems.

That is a recommendation I make, to keep it private for as long as you can. I know in my case, if I had told friends and family, it would have made R impossible as my W wouldn't have wanted to face all of them ever again. Telling people about your sitch can be a detriment to ever Ring.

Obviously, in some sitches that is impossible. When the WAS leaves or files for D or does something that cannot be hidden (moves out, etc). But my advice to LBSs is to keep it private for as long as possible to prevent the WAW from having another hurdle to Ring.

[Manta]

How did you family and friends react when you reconciled? Was it hard for you....

There were no issues because we never told them there were problems.

That is a recommendation I make, to keep it private for as long as you can. I know in my case, if I had told friends and family, it would have made R impossible as my W wouldn't have wanted to face all of them ever again. Telling people about your sitch can be a detriment to ever Ring.

Obviously, in some sitches that is impossible. When the WAS leaves or files for D or does something that cannot be hidden (moves out, etc). But my advice to LBSs is to keep it private for as long as possible to prevent the WAW from having another hurdle to Ring.

Good advice Steve. I did my best for almost 3 months, however all my friends kept asking me where WW was, as she had changed her FB pics and relationship status. My family also are close to me, after a while they knew something was wrong. I broke down in tears at the time. It was humiliating, as i was living on my own in the apartment, trying to keep everything together. WW was gone and not talking to me anymore.

[SteveLW]

How did you family and friends react when you reconciled? Was it hard for you....

There were no issues because we never told them there were problems.

That is a recommendation I make, to keep it private for as long as you can. I know in my case, if I had told friends and family, it would have made R impossible as my W wouldn't have wanted to face all of them ever again. Telling people about your sitch can be a detriment to ever Ring.

Obviously, in some sitches that is impossible. When the WAS leaves or files for D or does something that cannot be hidden (moves out, etc). But my advice to LBSs is to keep it private for as long as possible to prevent the WAW from having another hurdle to Ring.

Good advice Steve. I did my best for almost 3 months, however all my friends kept asking me where WW was, as she had changed her FB pics and relationship status. My family also are close to me, after a while they knew something was wrong. I broke down in tears at the time. It was humiliating, as i was living on my own in the apartment, trying to keep everything together. WW was gone and not talking to me anymore.

That right there tells me she doesn't deserve you!! Manta, you got this. You are awesome!

Go listen to the song This Is Me from The Greatest Showman soundtrack.

[Manta]

How did you family and friends react when you reconciled? Was it hard for you....

There were no issues because we never told them there were problems.

That is a recommendation I make, to keep it private for as long as you can. I know in my case, if I had told friends and family, it would have made R impossible as my W wouldn't have wanted to face all of them ever again. Telling people about your sitch can be a detriment to ever Ring.

Obviously, in some sitches that is impossible. When the WAS leaves or files for D or does something that cannot be hidden (moves out, etc). But my advice to LBSs is to keep it private for as long as possible to prevent the WAW from having another hurdle to Ring.

Good advice Steve. I did my best for almost 3 months, however all my friends kept asking me where WW was, as she had changed her FB pics and relationship status. My family also are close to me, after a while they knew something was wrong. I broke down in tears at the time. It was humiliating, as i was living on my own in the apartment, trying to keep everything together. WW was gone and not talking to me anymore.

That right there tells me she doesn't deserve you!! Manta, you got this. You are awesome!

Go listen to the song This Is Me from The Greatest Showman soundtrack.

Wonderful song. Really hits home.

Thanks Steve. I will get there with or without WW.

[Manta]

Journaling Jan 25th 2019:



So it will be soon 6 months since DDay for me, back in August 2018 when I found out my WW was cheating on me, with a work colleague (who lives in another country) for 2 months.

After I discovered the A and confronted, she ran away with him for a further week in another country. When she returned, I kicked her out of the apartment. I told her I wanted to R and try and fix the marriage, however we couldn’t if would continue seeing her AP. She choose him.


It’s been a long painful, very lonely and humiliating journey for me, but also it has brought me many positives, that are now bearing fruit.


I have come a long way.

I understand a lot more the dynamics of affairs, processing pain, understanding my emotional needs and others in relationships, also looking deeply into myself and analysing my failures as a husband and also making sure I make positive changes in my life as a strong man.

I’m in good shape, lost a lot of weight. Over 10kg ( 22 lbs). I’m now my healthy weight and those shirts and jeans are looking good again!! lol

I have re-engaged with a lot of old friends and made sure to value those friendships, as the gratitude I have for those friends I can’t put into words.

I have not been drinking much as anymore. I’m very focused on my career and getting things moving again.

I have continued detaching, getting on with my life, 180’s, setting goals and moving forward in my life.

I have been praying and meditating lot more and rediscovering my faith and what gives me inner peace

I have joined support groups and helping those who are going through similar pain and hurt, where I can do my best to help and advice if needed.

I don’t tolerate nonsense or disrespect anymore and I’m not afraid of setting boundaries.

I’m sleeping better, eating healther and not getting better as the week’s move by.

I’m still in NC with my WW. We haven’t seen each other or spoke in person since last September. She wanted a Divorce and messaged me the end of September. Since them, nothing has been filed, or mentioned again.

She’s still in her A with her AP.

I would be not be telling the truth if I said I still didn’t love her, or miss the life we had. However I have ACCEPTED this is the situation now, and I need to plan accordingly.

I want to work on our M. She doesn’t.

I want the A to over, she doesn’t.

I will continue to work on myself, live a positive and make myself better, she doesn’t.

I have sent her a legal letter back in October, she never responded.

I have cried, I have broken down, I have had nightmares, I have felt suicidal at the start, I had not eaten for days. I felt humiliated, haunted by broken dreams, images of WW and AP together, destroyed happy memories of us.

I felt I would never get there….But I did.


It doesn’t matter if she comes back or not anymore. I know that I will be ok. There was life before WW and there will be after.

If she comes back and want’s me back.. Then I can make that decision, do i want her back?

But with all the work I have been doing, I know I can make that decision with confidence and clear thought.


I doubt she has done any form of work on herself, as she’s in the fog with this “man”.

I’m a Man. A good, honest and strong man.

I’m Manta, not perfect or fixed, but I’m mending. I’m getting better.

I will make it through this and I am.

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta,

It's good to hear your update! It's a big achievement to survive six months of this crisis! It seems you've done all the right things to improve yourself and to feel as well as possible under these circumstances. It does help a lot to better understand what's happening and the to learn about the dynamics of affairs. There's still a lot that has to happen in your case. Your wife still has to come back and get divorced if she wants to stay with the other man. It's good that you're stronger now to deal with whatever comes next. It's still a challenge and I think we'll always love the persons we married and we'll wish they never made these choices but when they drop us so easily for someone else it's important to cope and stabilize ourselves. It seems you've done great. You'll really be the perfect husband for whoever you're with in the future!

[Manta]

Hi Manta,

It's good to hear your update! It's a big achievement to survive six months of this crisis! It seems you've done all the right things to improve yourself and to feel as well as possible under these circumstances. It does help a lot to better understand what's happening and the to learn about the dynamics of affairs. There's still a lot that has to happen in your case. Your wife still has to come back and get divorced if she wants to stay with the other man. It's good that you're stronger now to deal with whatever comes next. It's still a challenge and I think we'll always love the persons we married and we'll wish they never made these choices but when they drop us so easily for someone else it's important to cope and stabilize ourselves. It seems you've done great. You'll really be the perfect husband for whoever you're with in the future!

Thanks Nicole. So will you.

I know the chances of her A working out are slim to none. Both cheaters who's emotions are running wild right now. But that will fade, if its not already. I know my WW. As time passes by she will begin to find faults in him, then the major elephant in their relationship "trust " will begin to breakdown. When she realiseswhat she lost against what she got from her A, she will breakdown and experience a loss and pain much worse than what she ever imagined. I almost pity her.

Limerence is a dangerous and destructive state for marriages. It hurts so many people. When her AP is gone one day, she will fully see the pointlessness of the whole A.

It's only a matter of time.

But you and I and others here will be better, stronger and moving forward to better things in life.

[Manta]

Journaling Feb 6th 2019:


I haven't updated in a while, however, it's important that I share how I'm getting on as part of my journey.

Well, this week it's going to be 6 months since DDay with my WW.

I can't believe I have made it to this milestone. I never in my mind last summer would have thought I could make it this far and still function. I have no update on my WW. Still, NC, haven't seen her since September 2018, also that's the last time we spoke properly. She still hasn't responded to my solicitor and last message sent was mid-October. AFAIK she's still in the A with her AP. I don't check social media or anything in months. I'm completely 110% detached.

How am I feeling?


Well better.... Is that one way to say it? Much better than last year. Read my posts lol

I feel some days anger, sadness, loneliness, and pain, but I am stronger.

My mind is focused again on work and also my hobbies. Christmas hit me hard, but work is going well and I'm enjoying the new challenges and projects.

I'm still not dating or haven't been with anyone since my WW. I'm not ready for any relationships at the moment, as my main relationship is with myself and loving ME again. When I'm happy, I'll make someone else happy.

I'm not blaming myself or being self-critical anymore and actually focusing on my good qualities and developing myself.

I lost a lot of weight and bought new clothes too, that fit me nicely.

I can see girls in work and also at the weekends even taking notice of me now. Even last weekend two different women told me I was very good looking and were VERY flirtatious.....That meant a lot to me, as I have really felt unattractive for a long time. I didn't pursue, as they certainly were not my type. But it's nice to feel like I guess!? lol

My obsessive thoughts have calmed a lot. Meditation and prayer have helped me a lot, including really learning about relationships and the dynamics of men & women. Even if my WW does/does not come back, I know that now I have the knowledge (still learning) & tools to make the next relationship much more balanced.

This whole experience hasn't killed me and I'm stronger, more vocal now and certainly don't take crap anymore. Maybe this is what I always needed, but I find that the Manta 2018 and Manta 2019 are two different people. Maybe that innocence is lost forever, but I still know "I will be ok"


What's Next?


I have booked a week's holiday for myself to the Spanish islands in a few weeks time. This will be my first holiday on my own in a long long time. I really want to do nice things for myself again. I deserve a break and who knows what might happen. I will bring my Kindle, some songs on my iPod and my smile.

I continue to spend time with my friend's and family and letting people love me again.

I remain focused on my work and making sure I can be the best leader for my team and company.

If WW does or does not want to come back, I will be ok. I'm happy on my own at the moment. It's given me peace of mind to reevaluate my life and goals. Perhaps I will travel the world again, or start a new adventure somewhere else on this big planet.

I know that I will need to deal with WW, even if she doesn't come back and doesn't contact me. If she doesn't want to R and wants the M over, i can't stop her. But I will stand for my M until the end. I wish her the best, it's sad that she doesn't see the A for what it really is. "An Escape"

Thank's everyone for all your help. I will keep journaling and helping you as best as I can. Maybe one day I might get to meet one of you all. You're welcome to visit me in Ireland anytime

[u][/u]

[AnotherStander]

Awesome post Manta! You are totally on the right track. Also just wanted to emphasize how right this is:

I'm still not dating or haven't been with anyone since my WW. I'm not ready for any relationships at the moment, as my main relationship is with myself and loving ME again. When I'm happy, I'll make someone else happy.

EXACTLY! There's no rush!