I guess I have to start all over with the detachment and going dark again. I can't bear to go through this emotional pain again so this time I have to be consistent. Time to truly work on letting go. I thought I had done that and I was on the right path but I let him pull me back in. That is my fault, not his.
It's really so sad that it has to come to this but this is how it almost always plays out. The LBS tries to hang on but the WAS just keeps slapping them back down again. Finally the LBS has been through so much hurt and pain that they just can't do it anymore. They raise their walls up and drop the rope. THEN the WAS realizes they've lost them and goes into pursuit mode. But after the LBS had truly dropped the rope, they don't want to pick it up again. Who can blame them, after what they've been through why would they want to chance ever going through it all again? Why can't people fall in love and just stay in love. Why aren't people willing to work at anything anymore. I just don't understand.
Once I drop the rope once and for all, I am almost positive I won't have it in me to be able to pick up again. I know this because when I dropped the rope with my ex (we were not married but were together 7 years) I never wanted him again. He pursued me like crazy and I shot all of his advances down. He lied, cheated, and was verbally abusive. Once I let him go, he finally realized what he had lost. He came crawling back full of regret but no I wasn't having it. After me, he has been in one relationship after another. Leaving him was one of the best decisions I have ever made in life. To this day, he still tells some of my family members that he was a fool for letting me get away. I know it is wrong but I wish the same fate for my H. lol! Sorry, not sorry.
As far as your last question...WHEW if we had the answer to that question this world would be a much happier place. I don't desire to spend my life alone so hopefully one day I can find a man that is capable of falling in love and staying in love. Or at the very least making the choice to love me in good times and bad, just like the vows say.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
