Still in Limbo

[Living]

I hate to be sounding like your dad, but this is why R talks aren't recommended.

If you're going to go dark on him, be consistent. I think the hotel will give you some space. You obviously have a tough time operating in this situation.

I told him I’m tired and that this isn’t what I wanted for my M. I ran down all the ways he’s been selfish and disrespected me. I told him I don’t think I have any fight left in me. I told him that I feel like he’s slowly killing our M. I know stupid thing to say.

Of course you're tired. But you did the classic rip on someone. Well, I'm sure there are things in the marriage you could have done better too. Use his actions to fuel your detachment.

It seems like just a bit ago you were strong and still fighting, what changed?

Also, I'd recommend more work on detachment. Your emotions are still very tied to him and his actions. He's not going to act the way you want for now, maybe ever.

Ovrrnbw, it's ok to sound like my dad. I appreciate the tough love.

I know R talks are not recommended. I know I should have never had that talk with him. It just happened, it was like I couldn't control myself.

I agree with the hotel being a good idea and yes I struggle with this situation. Some days I'm all game face on and then other days, I miss my H. I miss our M. I feel like internally I am still holding on to hope. However, I think that holding on to hope causes me to act in certain ways. It's just hard.

Of course, there are things in the marriage I could have done too. However, my H kept all the problems he had with the marriage in. He went out and cheated, I found out, and that's when I heard the whole...I'm not happy, I love you but I am not in love with you, I am not attracted to you, I just don't have it for you and this marriage anymore. After he said those things to me, I asked where I went wrong. He told me some things and I immediately went to work on those things and I went to work on trying to save my marriage. This was before I found this forum. So I'm not trying to play perfect Patty. I am just being honest when I say, I went to work on my M and my H didn't. Trust me, nothing would make me happier than if he would have at least showed up and gave it an honest effort.

I was strong and you know what happened? I let him get to me. I let him tell me he loved me and show me affection and I drank the kool-aid. He started to act like my H in some ways and that gave me hope.

You are 100% correct in that my emotions are still tied to him. I will own that totally. I am still too invested in him and his feelings. I'm his wife and I love him so much. But I can't make him love me the way I love him. I also can't make someone stay with me who wants out. That is why I am tired.

I don't think he will ever act the way a man that respects the union of M again. I could be wrong but I just think the guys doesn't want to be tied down in a M anymore.