I think you handled the situation with D12 brilliantly FS. You are a really, really good mom and you are going to foster a fantastic lifelong relationship with them. You are able to put yourself in their place and figure out what it is they need from you. That’s a skill not all parents have unfortunately. Ninety per cent of the kids I see have parents who ascribe to the crime and punishment model of parenting which just does not work. One exercise I have parents do is to think about the best and worst boss they ever had and then to write down the attributes of each. I then ask them to read each list, imagine they are their kids and then ask themselves which list their kids would say most describes them. It is an eye opening exercise for most, to say the least.
When I was in high school, I had a number of friends who had really strict rules at home... including a curfew that was non-negotiable. These friends spent so much energy trying to get around these rules, it was ridiculous. They are also the friends who took the biggest risks and drank way too much in our first year of university.
My parents, on the other hand, had what I would call guidelines. There was an unspoken expectation of respectful behaviour that I learned through role modelling. No matter what, my parents were always respectful of each other and of me and my siblings. This underlying expectation of respect was the baseline for everything so I couldn’t really tell you what the “rules” were in my house. Everything was negotiable and I don’t remember ever getting into a power struggle with my parents. What I do remember, however, is just how important it was to me that I live up to the trust they had in me. I wasn’t a perfectly behaved kid but I HATED to disappoint my parents and I never went through a rebellious phase because they didn’t give me anything to rebel against. And I was rarely consequenced for anything because they never made themselves the problem and got in between me and my conscience. I pray that me and my H can do the same with our kids. It is going to be tougher with the divorce but still possible if we can have a good relationship. I always keep in mind something a child psychiatrist once said to me... He said, “DV...You don’t have to be a perfect parent, there is no such thing...you just have to be good enough.” Anyway... blah, blah, blah... I had been doing a lot of stream of consciousness writing today...lol.
Glad you were able to take some time to let your emotions subside. I have not done that enough, I’m afraid. (((HUGS)))
