Welp this will be a different type of post from good ole Pinn. I have done some serious thinking over the past few weeks and have come to the conclusion that… Houston… we have a problem. I’m damaged goods ya’ll. I’m broke and I’m not sure how to fix it.
I have been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for 15ish months. I have different groups of unrelated friends asking me why I don’t date or seem to have zero interest. They say it’s not normal. So I thought about that and concluded…. They are right…. It is not normal. So then I began to think…. Ok so what is my problem?? The same question has kind of been asked in a few other threads here.
OK to answer this question we have to go back to my relationship with XW. For those that don’t know, XW and I were off/on for 20 years. She was my neighbor growing up. So basically the cycle was she would come back, leave, come back, leave, over and over and over again. And what this did is pretty simple. It basically made it impossible to go all in my relationship. I was always, alwayyyys waiting for that other shoe to drop so I was in protection mode. I had to limit my emotional investment so when she left the next time it hurt less and then the next time it hurt less. I take responsibility for my issues in our marriage and I know that this thinking hurt our relationship. It’s like if you go to the plate thinking you are going to strike out, then you are going to strike out. If you think you will bomb that test, you will bomb that test. If you think your relationship will eventually fail, it will fail. Even on BD day, I remember thinking, welp… you knew that was coming any day for the past 6 years, totally not surprising. That doesn’t seem like a normal thought to have after just hearing your marriage is over.
Anyway, this really isn’t about her or even my marriage. It’s about me. So what’s the problem? My friends of course think I am hung up on my EX which is certainly not the case. I have no desire to go back there. I was the one who filed after all. Then what is it? I like women, I like spending time with them, I am a warm blooded man, I like sex of course. So why am I not doing anything about it? Well the problem is… to be perfectly honest… is that I’m scared to be vulnerable. Someone said it on another thread, but if you don’t take a risk then there is no chance of getting hurt. I’m scared to let go completely and even have those feelings enter my head about someone. But I want that… I want to be all in and be absolutely crazy about someone (eventually).
So any thoughts on how to overcome this? It’s easy to say the cliché things like… the right gal will make you forget those thoughts. Well no… I don’t believe that to be the case. I think the perfect gal will make me run the other way even faster at this particular time. It’s also easy to say just go on dates and have fun. Well… easier said than done. I thought about it the other day and every girl I have ever dated, every single one, including XW at the start has been the pursuer and aggressive. I think it’s because it made me less vulnerable almost like they were more invested than I was so there was less chance of me getting hurt. I basically have to do a total 180 and become the pursuer more so now but that’s not an easy change. Meh… I guess recognizing the problem is step 1 right??
