Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

The mistake I am referring to is the money issue from my original post. This is what caused her to have trust issues, I never properly took ownership of my mistake with her. I was using the state of mind I was in as an excuse. I told her that I understand how she feels about the trust, and why she feels that and that the stress and depression I was going through was no excuse for my behavior, I knew what I was going through and I should have sought help sooner and I didn't so that is on me.

As for coming back when she's calm I have been using that, when she escalated Saturday night, I told her if she wants to talk she can come back when she is calm.

I also told her, don't expect me to cook dinner next weekend, I have plans all weekend and will most likely not be home.

And no, she didn't treat me this way, up until the last 2-3 weeks since I've been backing away and focusing on myself.

As for boundaries I have been working on setting them like so:

The other night, I made dinner and she got up afterwards and got a drink, and set her plate on the counter with food still on it. I had already done dishes prior to cooking, all that was left in the sink was my cooking dishes. She then puts her cup in the sink, so a conversation went down like this:

M: "The dishwasher is dirty."
W: "So" and walks away.

I then got up to put away dinner and do my cooking dishes and I left her plate on the counter. She was getting ready for work and comes back in the kitchen then it continues:

W: "would that food not fit in any of the containers."
M: "I am not putting that away."
W: "oh, now your being petty"
M:"No I am just not going to be taken advantage of"
W: "Oh you feel like your being taken advantage of"
(I then bring up how she came in that morning to get me to cook breakfast as posted earlier)
M"How about you coming in at 5:30 am waking me up and asking me to cook breakfast?"
W:"I just really thought you would do it"
M:"Who is it that I am cooking for"
W:"What does that mean"
M: I repeated my question, with a follow up "It's not my wife"
W:"Legally I am still your wife"
M:"but not physically or emotionally, so again, who is it that I am cooking for?"
... she thought about it
W:"Roommate".
And my final response was
M:"Would you wake up at 5:30 am to cook your roommate breakfast?"

Note, this was whole conversation was done calm and collective..

Then yesterday during part of the previous ordeal, it came up again about taking advantage of me and I said how I have been managing the house and all cleaning and that she needed to help as shes been locking her self away in the guest room and not contributing to the household chores. She said yes you have been doing a very good job at maintaining the house, and I stay in there because I have nothing else to do. So I said then if you got nothing to do why haven't you helped around the house. Her response is because I've been taking advantage of the fact you've been doing it. So I said again, that I will not be taken advantage of and she needs to help.