Still in Limbo

[Living]

Journaling

I actually started to type up this post the other day and deleted it. I just didn’t have the energy.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. The wild ride never seems to end.

I go from being convinced that I’m doing the right thing by standing for my marriage to feeling like throwing in the towel.

I know, I know it’s a marathon not a sprint but I’m just being honest.

I’ve taken some time to really sit back and think about all the damage my H has done. He’s been irresponsible, disrespectful, disloyal, selfish, a liar, and a cheater. He’s gone from blaming a bunch of crap on me to taking responsibility for his own actions and owning up to the fact that his MLC has nothing to do with me. Although I respect that, I still get angry with everything he’s put me through.

There are times when a little part of me wants to get even with him. A little part of me wants to give him a taste of his own medicine. However, I know that’s not the right thing to do. Two wrongs don’t equal a right. But honestly I just get so freaking angry.

Like I understand he’s going through something. God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously and don’t want to feel like a quitter.

So just an update on my sitch other than what I wrote above. My H and I still live in the same house. We sleep in freaking separate rooms. Most days I think he still tries to act like a H. He still goes to work and comes straight home. On weekends, he stays at home. So I doubt he is currently involved with anyone else.

But I feel like he’s gotten used to sleeping in the other room. I’ve even gotten used to him not sleeping with me. There was a time when neither of us could sleep if the other wasn’t laying in the same bed. I just can’t believe it’s come to this. I know, at this point I should accept that my old marriage is dead. Daily I’m trying to come to terms with that. Obviously I’m not there yet and that’s where the anger comes from. My H literally killed our marriage and for that I am ANGRY.

Add to that I’m following the rules and not discussing the M. That [censored] though because I hate holding all my feelings in. He’s been able to say so much, yet I have to hold my feelings in because I’m not supposed to discuss the R. Ughhhhh!!!! I want to yell, I want to scream. I want to tell him how angry I am with him. I want to smack the dog crap out of him some times. I just want him to freaking get it. He ruined a great relationship because he was too weak to deal with life. I know the whole MLC thing but my God deal with life. You’re not a teenager. You’re a grown man who has real life responsibilities.

Yesterday I looked at my H and although I still love him, for the first time since the original bomb drop, I felt disgust. He’s starting not to look the same to me. I don’t have that warm and fuzzy feeling when I look at him. Maybe my feelings are changing for him. That scares me and it scares me a lot. I’m staring to wonder how much time he actually has to turn things around before I totally loose it for him.