D12 is in the living room in tears. I got a text from my H today saying he'd been looking on her phone and found a second instigram account. It looks like an account she set up to play games, but there are about 200 followers and he didn't recognise any of the names. He said the language was quite bad and that there were comments like "Hey, what are you up to?". He asked me to speak to her about it tonight. I spoke to her and she refused to let me see her phone. She said I wouldn't understand - just kept repeating it. I told her that a condition of having a phone was that both her dad and I could look at it whenever we wanted. She burst into tears and has been crying ever since. I said that I loved her and wanted her to talk to me. She just kept saying I wouldn't understand. She said she was always sad and her phone was her way of escaping. She said it isn't rude or mean, but that I wouldn't understand. I told her I was sorry, that I knew how tough things were for her, that everything was changing (her school, her home, her body, her friends) and that I was here if she needed me. That we both loved her and wanted her to be happy. But - if she didn't show me what was on her phone I would delete all the apps on there. She is still in tears. At one stage, all three of us were sitting on the floor in tears.
It is so unnecessary. I hate him so much right now for putting us through this.
FS, very sorry you are still on the roller coaster! But I think you need a 2x4. At some point you've got to quit blaming your H for every problem in your life. The above is an example of how you are blaming him for something that is not at all his fault. My D's are 22 and 24 now, but when they went through the teen years we dealt with very similar issues of inappropriate online behavior. It's tough because you want to cling to the notion that your kids are innocent and unaware of the ways of the world, but nope, then you get a big ol' slap of reality upside the head. It sounds like your H actually discovered the inappropriate activity and brought it up, so why are you angry at him and laying the blame at his feet?
Separation and divorce s*ck, there's just no denying it. But part of DB'ing is to forgive and let go and become the master of your own destiny. You post over and over again about how your H said or texted something that triggered you, at some point you've just got to let go and move on for YOUR health and well-being! I know it's easier said than done but having been through it I am here now to tell you life gets a LOT better after you finally do drop that rope. So try and focus on how you can do that.
My brother has been divorced for 10 or so years and still blames his ex for his financial woes. He seems to forget that he wanted to keep the giant house to "get back at her". He also seems oblivious to the fact that he could have sold it at any time instead of letting it continue to crush him financially. But it's all her fault, he would be rich if she hadn't left, she wanted to buy the house and now he's stuck with it, on and on and on. He is extremely bitter and refuses to date again because "all women are just like her". HE is the reason for his unhappiness, not her. She's been out of his life 10 years, at what point does one accept that that other person is no longer a factor and that they are responsible for their own unhappiness?
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The price of his freedom is our children's happiness. They will be ok - but they didn't need to be put through this in the first place.
But they are being put through it, as my kids were and tens of thousands of other kids out there are and were. So quit blaming and start planning for a future for you and them WITHOUT H.
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The weird thing is he was in the house today for five hours.
That's unacceptable. Tell him you know he was there for 5 hours and you will not tolerate that. As long as you let him come and go as he pleases and let him infiltrate your life like this then he's going to keep triggering you.
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I was ok with it - I don't have anything to hide so he can snoop if he wants to - but looks like he ate some food from the fridge and watched netflix (his profile was on when I got home).
How can you be OK with that?
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He is a coward and hates conflict. He would rather get defensive, play the victim or go on the attack, and then run away before anyone can say anything back.
Yes he is a classic passive/ aggressive "nice guy".
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Why am I putting myself through this sh!t.
Right!! Why are YOU putting yourself through this. YOU have control of your life!
