LBS dealing with WW (part 7) (piecing?)

[sandi2]

Sandi, how did you know that you truly loved your H after your EA?

I never stopped completely loving him. It sounds simple enough to say you either love someone, or you don't. If you "truly" love them then you won't cheat, etc., etc. I was like every other WW, I no longer felt in love. I wasn't attracted to him and did not desire him sexually. The years of resentment had eaten away at me, and when OM came along.....I felt alive, desirable, and I wanted to believe he could make me happy. It's embarrassing when I look back and remember how confused and lost I became. Anyway, when I made the decision to end my A, I had to figure out how to get rid of the fantasy, b/c that was my stumbling block. I was not in love with OM.....I was addicted to the thrill of the EA.

Being raised in church, I knew the importance of feeling remorse, so I had prayed that God would help me feel what was necessary to get to that place. One of the realizations I finally had was if my H could forgive me for everything attached to my wayward actions.....then who was I to hold on to the past and not forgive him? I had to let go of all the resentment from the past. The minute I did...... Wham! God answered my prayer......and I thought I might die from the remorse. I sincerely apologized to my H that night. I knew there was a lot we had to work through, but I also knew I still loved my H. Once I felt remorse and humility, a lot of the tenderness in loving feelings were restored.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I don't believe that people who fully love their spouses willfully cheat on them to the degree that my XW did. So, my question is not so simple... but it is important. Fully loving someone is a choice. She says she chooses to fully love me, NOW. I find it so hard to believe that she is in love with me again, after treating me so badly in the past.

It's not that simple to explain, either.....and I can't answer for your XW. The WW I became was not the person my H had M. It would take way too long to give the story. I was terribly lonely in my M, and I couldn't bear one more night of TV, so I started playing an online game. I played for months, just to pass the time. One night, this man was my playing partner, and he was so funny he'd have me rolling in stitches. I had not laughed that hard in a long time. Anyway, I begin to look forward to playing the game, but it was really his company and how he made me feel. That was the beginning of my downfall. Did I go into it thinking I would have an EA? No! If the guy had started talking with the sexual stuff, I would have blocked him. I wasn't living like a GGW. I had not started online gaming b/c I was searching for a f---buddy. But what started and what ended was quite different. In fact, this game partner was not the OM I ended up with, but it was the one where I experienced the thrill, and did not want to lose it. For me, it was like pushing the envelope a little bit each time to get that feeling of "high". I knew it was wrong, but that's where the anger/resentment push the rebelliousness into full blown wayward activity. It was the beginning to more.....and then more.

I can't give you the answer you need, Joe. That was my sitch, not your W's. My poor H nearly had a heart attack when he discovered some of my online activity.....b/c that was not the woman he knew. Anyway, I finally made the choice to do the right thing and end my A, although my emotions were screaming otherwise. I made the choice to show respect for my H, although I did not "feel" it for a while. I didn't feel anything for a while, except misery.

I think on one hand you are saying love is a choice/decision......but I think you want your XW to "feel" in love with you. I'm not finding fault with it. You have every right to doubt her. Unlike your XW, I was not happy. It took me nearly two years before I finally had my come to Jesus moment....and that was after I made the decision to end my A! So, I had to do a lot of things out of choice, rather than "feelings". However, the feelings finally caught up with my choices/action.

But I am not there in that happy place! I am struggling every day, and she is content with me and our situation the way it is now because she has me back in her life. She tells me that she is happy because she feels like she's getting back the life she threw away.

I'm just guessing here, but maybe this is where some of the trouble lies. Your XW wanted her former life back. She believes she has you back again, thus has her former life back. Has she had to do any work, other than pursue you? IMHO, you should not continue going along with her when you aren't happy. It's one thing when the couple is still married, but quite another once they've been divorced. Who says you have to give it another chance? Yes, I think you sound a little like a WAH, but the big difference being that you aren't her husband any longer, and should not feel duty bound. She just thinks she has you back....and her former life will be back as well. So, get the two of you into therapy, now, or get out of the situation. Don't keep on going along with her when you continue to struggle with these issues.