-she sees you in the friendzone -she expects you to do errands for her and take care of those needs -she is sleeping with OM -she doesn't think you have the balls/ability to find someone else -it might wake her up a little -simply put, your marriage is dead right now
I'd get out and about with some buddies in places where women go too. It will be good for you to see there is life after your W. That there are women interested in you who will treat you better. This kind of confidence is what you need. It will feel like a total change and other people will sense it.
My good internet friend Steve (haha) has a differing opinion, but I think that wearing that ring solidifies you as plan B and brings up painful stuff that you'd rather not think about.
We'll see what anyone else thinks about it. How are you doing this weekend?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
JB 42 I feel ya bro. Going through this stuff will reek havoc on your emotions and self esteem. Even though I haven't yet, because of time and $ GAL, Detach, Read, Believe none of what you hear and half if what they say. Dnot let them play the victim. They need to own up to their delusion too. After 5 months of almost having a nervous breakdown, everyone here is very supportive. Made it crystal clear to W last night, she can do whatever the hell she wants and go where she wants, but our child stays in this state. I finally grew a sack today, hopped into the MBR at 4am, and told her when she woke, I'm staying here, you can stay here, or go across to the guest room. I'm not moving into the basement. Don't feel compelled to help her live her life. She will just throw you bullshit breadcrumbs. My W ring came off last week, now it mysteriously disappeared. I just put all her pictures away with my ring. Last week it would have stung emotionally. You will get stronger, just be patient with yourself.
The weekend was pretty good. Had S3 all of Saturday, went over to a neighbor's place and hung out, made food, watched a movie. On Sunday, I dropped S3 off with his mom and went up to Denver to basically chauffeur my buddy around to look at cars (his old one died recently and it would cost him more to replace the parts than the car is worth). We had a good time, ate some good food and played video games after we were done. Watched the last half of the superbowl, not the exciting offensive show I was hoping for, but I sure do appreciate a good defensive game too.
As for the ring debate - The ring is a symbol of my promise - not only to my W, but to myself - to honor this marriage and be faithful until the end of this marriage. I was hoping that the marriage would end with one of us dying (morbid, I guess), but divorce is in itself a kind of death. One could argue where the line should be drawn to consider the marriage dead, I have chosen its' legal end and have stated as much to people I care about deeply. And because I am a man of my word and I've verbalized the fact that I will wear it until the judge signs the papers, I have to see it through to the end. I can definitely see there are other milestones where the marriage could be considered dead to the point of removing the ring (BD, discovering an affair, papers being served, etc.).
I know I sound like some "morally superior pompous @ss" and quite frankly I might be one (should probably ask some people if I come across this way IRL), but having a clear set of morals and following them has made coping with the situation much easier. I'm honestly not interested in taking my W back at this point, but my moral compass doesn't allow me to look for another relationship until the D is final which frees me to focus on myself and the boys.
JB 42 I feel ya bro. Going through this stuff will reek havoc on your emotions and self esteem. Even though I haven't yet, because of time and $ GAL, Detach, Read, Believe none of what you hear and half if what they say. Dnot let them play the victim. They need to own up to their delusion too. After 5 months of almost having a nervous breakdown, everyone here is very supportive. Made it crystal clear to W last night, she can do whatever the hell she wants and go where she wants, but our child stays in this state. I finally grew a sack today, hopped into the MBR at 4am, and told her when she woke, I'm staying here, you can stay here, or go across to the guest room. I'm not moving into the basement. Don't feel compelled to help her live her life. She will just throw you bullshit breadcrumbs. My W ring came off last week, now it mysteriously disappeared. I just put all her pictures away with my ring. Last week it would have stung emotionally. You will get stronger, just be patient with yourself.
Her ring came off within the first week after BD. I took down all the pictures that had both of us after she started staying at "a friend's place" and packaged all the pictures of her or her with the boys in a box for her to take. I never left the MBR - but we talked about living together for a while there. Things are much better now that we're physically separated. It really gives you the time and space to clarify your intentions and work through your emotions. I'm also transforming the space into what I want it to look like vs what she wanted (I habitually compromised because, at the time, it wasn't a big deal for me).
My suggestion for you is to get a library card and borrow the books you want to read (most libraries have audiobook rentals, too) - also listen to podcasts. I know that reading doesn't help you with your time issue, but it's a good way to get out of the house and to get some self-development in without draining the bank account. I listen to books and podcasts on my commute or when I'm making dinner and it's been life changing.
As for the ring debate - The ring is a symbol of my promise - not only to my W, but to myself - to honor this marriage and be faithful until the end of this marriage.
And yet you took all the pics down. Seems like mixed messages to me, or maybe like the "marriage" means something to you out of duty or whatever, but your wife doesn't, right? I mean I know that's not the case, but I'm talking about how she might perceive the messages you're sending through your actions.
I understand the mixed signals debate. I actually never thought about how those two things might be perceived together. I tend to make these decisions in a vacuum, separate from one another (it's bitten me in the @ss before). I should probably take a more holistic approach to these kinds of decisions - something to think about in the future.
The ring is an external symbol - everyone can see it. Its' purpose is to broadcast my unavailability.
The pictures are internal to my house, which I now live in by myself 50% of the time (dogs don't count). Their purpose was to serve as a reminder of the past, something I'm not entirely interested in at the moment.
Her perception to the "message" wasn't part of the equation when I made those decisions. She was already spending a majority of her time at OM's house when I took the pictures down (and all the cutesy sh!t we had put up).
Yeah I completely understand your point. And I wasn't suggesting you take the ring off, there's not really a DB rule on that, it's really kind of "do what you feel is best for you" in that case. I didn't have to deal with it because my ring had gotten really beat up plus it no longer fit so I hadn't worn it in years. I was talking about your W's perception, which of course is going to be negative no matter what you do. Take your ring off and she'll be disgusted that "it's so easy for you to forgot the M", leave it on and she'll be equally disgusted that "you just can't let go."
Take your ring off and she'll be disgusted that "it's so easy for you to forgot the M", leave it on and she'll be equally disgusted that "you just can't let go."
She actually encouraged me to take it off early on (she actually told me to do it as she is classically controlling; my response was a very stern "no", which I was almost never stern with her given her past) - I was going out with a mutual buddy of ours for a few drinks and she told me to take my ring off. It was very clearly her way of trying to absolve herself of guilty feelings or actions (I forget exactly where this was in the timeline, but very early). I'm not worried about her reaction to pretty much anything I do at this point. She's been all over the place with how she reacts to things in general (not just my actions), so I'm just taking myself out of that crazy cycle. Sometimes she's generous, other times extremely selfish - friendly:rude - happy:angry - giving me space:controlling, the list goes on and trying to predict one way or the other is entirely useless. Since we had the conversation about not maintaining the friendship last week, she is generally neutral (exceptions have all been negative), but contact has decreased dramatically which has been liberating.
