Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[roist]

Gordie,

I too believe it is a promising sign, on many fronts:

For you: as has been said she has opened up even if only a small bit about a painful period of her life. So at some level she has a deep connection to you. She could have gone alone, but chose (for her reasons) for you to be there. Although those reasons could be selfish and self-centered, she still chose for you to go. For whatever reason she wanted you to be with her. Her reasons may or may not surface given time, but you can look at it as a huge positive. Be grateful for it but don't dwell on it.

For her: This shows she is thinking about something painful from her childhood. She is facing it and not running/hiding. That is a good start to getting past it. she needed/wanted support and you were there for her. The important part of that is that in that moment she let down her defences and let you in. She showed her emotions. Some WAS do similar stuff to seek pity as in they have such problems it excuses their behaviour; I do not sense that it in this case.

For ye: holding hands even in silence is significant. Not only is it a sign of connection, but it also prolonged the moment she shared with you.


For me the best way to respond would be to thank her for sharing a difficult part of her life and to state that if she ever wants to discuss it you are there. Then leave her take the next step. No pressure, no inquiring, nothing. In rebuilding a R you need to place strong foundations one piece at a time. This piece is hers and you cannot build on it. Only she can do so without it collapsing. So continue what you are doing working on other parts of that foundation.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Irish SBJ Oneart Roist

It is so meaningful that you guys stopped by to comment

You guys have been with me from the beginning

SBJ I never pictured you as the Grizzly Adams type

Funny how we picture others here

So to be clear my long hair was never really long

Just grown out some

Oneart thank you for your womanly perspective

Indeed she never did when I thought the M was great

What a great way to frame this

I will bank this positive memory



Journaling

I am not a big football fan

I watch one full game per year, the Super Bowl

So here are how the last three have gone

Super Bowl LI w comes to me during the half time show demanding we finalize our agreement in front of the children so I leave the family room and that’s what we do for the rest of the evening

Super Bowl LII w spends the night locked in her room

Super Bowl LIII w keeps coming in the family room and asking me to do little things for her: can you change this lightbulb? Can you take out the trash?

[AndrewP]

#TeamGordie

[Gordie]

Andrew thank you

So I was reading Sandi2’s post about piecing which includes a lot of Blu’s thoughts as well + Joe’s

She lays out a clear rule

There must be clear and definitive remorse and reconciliation before piecing

In all of their cases they had clear remorse and reconciliation

There was the I am so sorry and I want to work on us talk from the wayward spouse

Well, what if that never happens?



My thoughts:

1. Rules are nice guidelines but life is messier and doesn’t always follow the rules

2. MLC is different and doesn’t follow these rules

3. Actions speak louder than words

So that makes me wonder where am I?



So as DNJ says

Let’s be clear eyed and look at the facts

13 months ago she and OM2 breakup and she drops the D

And tells me she is focusing on herself

She does not know if she wants to be married

But she knows she does not want to be divorced right now

We continue to live like roommates in separate bedrooms

Anger directed at me diminishes

She takes more interest in the children and family life

We start acting friendlier towards one another

We talk more and spend more time together

We are getting to know each other more

We are rebuilding a friendship

At some point she resumes wearing her wedding ring

Extreme dieting and exercise end

Physically she looks healthier

And she spends more time at home

We start going on platonic dates

Dates increase in regularity

But sometimes she does not feel like it

And that is okay with me because I do not expect them

We never have R talks

I resume giving her gifts which are important to her

We make love at Christmas

And she moves back into MBR

But does not want to resume regular sexual relations

She opens up to me about her childhood trauma

She takes me there

She starts asking me to do more things for her

She seems less angry at the world but still angry

There are days when she seems unhappy

There are days when she seems happy

She is focused on health

She does not want to age

She does not want to get sick

She does not want to die

There are days she wants my attention

There are days she wants to be left alone

She continues exploring her new religious beliefs

She wants me to accept her new beliefs even if I do not share them

We have never spoken of her OMs

She has never shown any remorse

Any time children even hint at what happened

She shuts them down

[job]

Gordie,

You and your wife are in what I call "reconnection". Reconnection can take up to 18-24 months, depending on her and her environment. It takes them just as long to reconcile and come back to earth as it did for them to go into crisis. Piecing comes w/reconnection. It takes time and you can't rush the process.

She will, one day, talk to you about her remorse, but that will come later. She still has some issues to work through before that happens. Be patient, when she's ready, she will talk to you about her situation. Some think that they can sweep everything under the rug, but people can't move forward that way, everything has to be worked out and a new marriage created. Patience is the key right now. I know you want to put all of this behind you and she apologize and talk things out w/you, but she's not ready. She is on her on clock right now to get things done and that means slow.

I do not know if you read the reconnection thread, but I'm posting the link here for you:

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (New)

[Gordie]

Job thank you

That is just what I needed today

Think I read that long ago when it did not apply

[job]

This stage is the hardest because they are starting to return and we, the lbs, get very impatient. She really is still in a fragile state and you will need to continue to treat her like a skittish kitten for a while.

Patience, listening and validating right now are the major keys.

Continue as you have been and keep the focus on you and your children.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gordie

You are strong and stable.

Seeing clearly and compassionately.

A lighthouse beaming into her darkness.

A beacon for her and others, following your beliefs.

So that makes me wonder where am I?

You are right where you are meant to be.

Much Respect
DnJ

[roist]

My thoughts:

1. Rules are nice guidelines but life is messier and doesn’t always follow the rules

2. MLC is different and doesn’t follow these rules

3. Actions speak louder than words

So that makes me wonder where am I?

There are many variables in each situation so in a way you are right, everything here is more guidelines than rules. But those rules/guidelines are based on good principles. In this case I think (and I restate this is only my interpretation/understanding), that if certain matters are swept under the carpet, true reconnection cannot occur. Yes the phases can be passed through and real improvement may be experienced, but eventually if left unaddressed, it will undermine that progress and could well unravel it.

This could be on two fronts:
1. The WAS has not had to really acknowledge the wrongs they have done. I believe this has to be done or otherwise they never really have to think about and ultimately accept that they treated the LBS poorly. If that is not realized, they do not have a true picture of the situation and in the future if things are no longer perfect all they remember is how your faults almost split ye up before!!, hence making it easier to follow the same path without other reflection
2. The LBS could experience resentment if this is never addressed. That resentment could undermine any future R.

In summary I believe it is a healthy rule/guideline.

I imagine in your case it is imaginable that W may not be forthcoming with such a strong declaration. Only time can tell. In that eventuality, once reconnection has taken place, the lbs can bring up the topic IMO. It is the healthy thing to do. BUT, as job has explained now isn't the time for pushing her. Accept that this will still take another long time to knit together and be patient

One final observation, but everything you listed reads like a classic script. The good news about that is that if you follow the guidelines about that script you will get to where you want to be E V E N T U A L L Y.

So what are you going to do for yourself whilst being patient. Sitting watching the grass grow or paint dry doesn't make it happen any faster but sure feels longer. I am about to signup for a sporting event later this year that should take about six hours to finish or longer if training doesn't go as planned! This is a big commitment from me (time and energy mostly) and a huge challenge, but it also changes my focus. So I ask again, what are you going to do for you this year?

Best wishes

[Gerda]

I think where you are is exactly where God needs you to be right now for her and for you.

We always think there must be some mistake (think of Ananias), that we have to tell him how bad it is and make sure He knows how we want it fixed, and to remind Him that we are doing our part and we are tired.

What you are going through now is what I long to go through some day. From my vantage point, it looks amazing, perfect, slowly unraveling with something amazing at the center of that knot, like Thumbelina coming out of the flower.

I truly believe that your W will understand what she did and what you did in response one day. The way Job describes it seems perfect and will help you have confidence in waiting.

And I think that at the same time she will come back to Christ. I think the latter will allow the former. But definitely not on your timing.

And in the meantime, watching you wait it out is helping all of us and no doubt will help all who come across your threat for years to come.