Moving from Newbie status to LBS of MLCr

[DejaVu6]

(((Grace))) This is a roller coaster, no doubt. For the most part I am okay but then there are days when I feel such overwhelming sadness and grief that I don’t know what to do with myself. So I just ride it out knowing that better days are ahead. You are right...we cannot control the uncontrollable no matter how much we wish we could. Have a wonderful time with your kids. They certainly do help. My kids are currently sitting at the dinner table giggling with one of the neighbour kids. I also got an out-of-the-blue call from my SD19 who wanted to know how I am doing. It warmed my heart to know that she is thinking about me and got me out of my funk a bit. I am sure your kids will do the same for you. (((HUGS)))

[Grace21]

Had a great day with the kids That being said, S21 wanted to know how things were going with H and I. I just told him the facts, that dad has decided to rent a place for another 3 months, we don't communicate with each other much. I explained I still hope to be able to work it out with H, and showed him I still wear my wedding rings. Further stated I don't want a divorce, but, that it takes 2 people to work on a marriage. He was upset, and said he doesn't understand what the problem is. I just said it's private between us, and left it at that. It's probably difficult for him not having a specific reason to identify because he's a very "black and white" kid. It kept thoughts of H on my mind most of the day, and now I have a quiet house on a Saturday night to deal with. Ugh. Hate these moods.

Anyway, I have a question for anyone piecing or recovered.

When you started reconnecting with your spouse, after so many months of probably limited communication, was it awkward to see each other again? Awkward to start building those lines of communication? I would imagine it is, and I wonder if you get to a point it's so awkward to restart that you feel like you'll never be able to so why bother?

My Hs aunt was in town, and he said I could see her separately if I wanted because it would probably be awkward to see her ? (he added the ?) That was a few weeks ago, and that's what started me thinking about this issue. For some reason today it is really on my mind. Probably my convo with my son and the hours in the car alone. Too much time to think!

Well, a little reading and a couple episodes of Ray Donovan with a glass of wine and snuggles from my cat is in store for my evening! I'm glad I don't feel lonely in this house all by myself!

Glad to be home after a long day.

[OneArt]

Grace, I'm not piecing or recovered, but I have recently seen my H (who I call OD) a few times after not seeing him for 1.5 years. He looks completely different, so much so that I would not recognize him, but the light is back in his eyes, he's being a little flirty and we are sniping at each other a bit like the old days. I thought I would be disgusted by him, but it feels more like an old shoe. I think you will be ok.

[Yail]

Grace, I still remember the time period when it "clicked" for me that my parents were not just mom and dad - to each other they were husband and wife. I was about 23 when I really realized that their relationship as a couple existed (in part) separately than their relationship to my brother and I as our parents. It was mildly mind-blowing. That was when I realized that they had an entire life outside of what I might know about.

I think pointing this out to your S will help him understand. It sounds like you might have. At the age of 21 he is at a point as a (still young) man that he may feel like he wants reassurance from his parents - but what he really needs to start witnessing is an authentic relationship and all the work that it requires. I don't mean to say you should invite him in to your thoughts on this - I only mean that his view of you as a "wife" and not only "mom" may really help to define his future relationships in a positive way.

[Grace21]

Every time I talk to my parents and they ask about my sitch, I start to question my choice to stand. So, my convo with them today got me thinking, yet again, whether I'm really wanting to stand. I guess I hope H will get the help he needs, eventually. Even then, with all that occurred, will I ever be able to trust H again? I guess that's a long process to figure out, IF H even wants that opportunity.

I don't know if I have it in me to wait for another 6 months, year, whatever. I'm going to do some real soul searching over these next 3 months. At that time H will be forced again to face what he wants to do, but he might find that I made the decision for him. *sigh*

This is really emotionally exhausting sometimes.

[bubbs16]

Every time I talk to my parents and they ask about my sitch, I start to question my choice to stand. So, my convo with them today got me thinking, yet again, whether I'm really wanting to stand. I guess I hope H will get the help he needs, eventually. Even then, with all that occurred, will I ever be able to trust H again? I guess that's a long process to figure out, IF H even wants that opportunity.

I don't know if I have it in me to wait for another 6 months, year, whatever. I'm going to do some real soul searching over these next 3 months. At that time H will be forced again to face what he wants to do, but he might find that I made the decision for him. *sigh*

This is really emotionally exhausting sometimes.

I feel exactly the same Grace. You want to stand but then again for how long? IS there a certain amount of time ? Idk

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

Standing. So many just do not understand why we would do such a thing. They mean well, to be sure, however their advice is counter productive. Friends and family just want to see you happy, ASAP. It is difficult to explain to others when you barely understand why you would consider doing such a thing in the first place.

What I have found. You don’t have to decide today. Since you’re here, I can guess your predisposition is to stand, find understanding and compassion, and hope. So stand.

I recommend standing while you heal anyhow. Find detachment, let go of H, let go of your fears, find indifference, discover your beliefs and who you truly are deep inside. Heal. Then you can decide. Then standing really starts.

The inner discovery of your beliefs, desires, and convictions, is an incredible journey. You will exit that a very full person, you will see the world differently. I guarantee! It is profound.

When you know yourself, you will know if standing is for you or not. You will stand for you. I know that sounds confusing, so you are going to need a little faith with this.

I understand the questions of can I ever trust my spouse again. I believe one can. Anything can be overcome. It will take determined effort and forgiveness, and is achievable. Otherwise what’s the point. You can see this is based on my beliefs, and that is why you need to discover what you believe or are willing to believe in.

The spiritual (beliefs) path of the LBS is the most powerful and rewarding. It can provide unmatched strength of heart and character, a reason to stand. Others can look and shake their heads or question why, it will not matter, you know and believe what you are doing. That is standing! That is your belief.

Beliefs will change over time, some getting stronger, others getting weaker. Our individual timer for standing is unknown. Some stand down quickly, some take years and years, and some never stand down. If you stand for you, it will be the right thing to do.

For now, lose the time line - 6 months, a years, whatever. Do the soul searching, and discover your deep self. Fix or change things you find that you don’t like, and strengthen those you do. Again lose the timeline, if this take longer than 3 months - great. It takes as long as it takes.

I don't know if I have it in me to wait for another 6 months, year, whatever. I'm going to do some real soul searching over these next 3 months. At that time H will be forced again to face what he wants to do, but he might find that I made the decision for him. *sigh*

A few items, not trying to be too critical.

Don’t wait. Not for 6 months, year, or whatever. Live now. That doesn’t mean stand down. When you find indifference and move on to limbo, it is so peaceful. Live your life fully, laugh, dance, watch movies, travel, go to restaurant by yourself, etc... Limbo is reserved for just that one special relationship. If you choose this, you will have it in you to “wait” for that R.

Let go of time lines. They are expectations. There is a difference in expectations between “I am going to do some real soul searching” and “I am going to do some real soul searching over the next 3 months”. What happens if you haven’t found what you’re searching for in 3 months? Will you be disappointed? It is difficult to let go of the time constraints we are all used to dealing with, the deadlines of this busy world. It is peaceful when you finally do.

As an aside. Hope with a deadline is an expectation. Hope doesn’t have deadlines. When we put end dates on hope, that is what happens - hope ends.

“At that time H will be forced again to face what he wants to do, but he might find that I made the decision for him.” H will face what he wants to face, when he wants to face it. He will not be forced. He will just run if forced against his will. I realize you are just questioning your strength of outlasting this. If you make a decision, do not make the decision for him, make it for you.

You are the most important person in all this. Discover Grace, do right by her, and everything will work out fine.

You have been given a fantastic gift of time, an incredible opportunity to delve within, use it well.

DnJ

[job]

DnJ gave you excellent advice.

He is absolutely right in saying that people want to see you happy. I am going to suggest that you try not to have conversations about your situation w/family and friends. If you absolutely need to talk to someone, select one or two very good friends and use them as a sounding board. The decision to stand or not is yours and not your parents or your friends. People mean well...but they aren't walking a mile in your shoes so they do not understand what is going on.

As for time lines...toss them out the window. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration by doing so. MLC takes a long, long time to work through, i.e., not a sprint, but a marathon. A crisis didn't happen at a flip of a switch. It took years to get to this point and it's going to take some time for him to work through those issues created in childhood that have been stuffed down for years and years.

Detach as much from the situation, try not to over analyze his every word or action. Make a list of things that you would like to do, but haven't since you've been married. Start exploring, learning and rediscovering the Grace that you were pre-marriage.

Time truly is a gift...live your life to the fullest. Don't waste another moment on the what ifs...keep the focus on you!

BTW, you will know when it is time to give up...trust me. If you are still waffling about things...then you aren't ready to give up.

[peacetoday]

Hi

I think many of us stand especially in the beginning

We begin a process of healing, figuring out what happened and dealing with the pain
dealing with the MLCer and learning about MLC

Reflecting on all ,that was, all that is now lost, the dreams the family-ect

What was our part in it? there part in it?

rebuilding a new life, finding ourselves and grieving,

Keeping it together and finding the words for our kids and families,
parenting alone, financial issues ect.

Figuring out now what we want, how we can gather the strength to deal with it all

Then there is dealing with other people, who want the best for us
but do not understand the loss we feel and it takes time, so much time to figure out
we find words for them but we choose not them-

I believe it is best to stand for a while
for me:
It gave me a chance to reflect and consider options
time to grieve and let go of my dreams around keeping my family together
It gave me a chance to be there for my XH. to try to help him through the crises
It gave me enough time to know I tried, I did all I humanly could to save this family and our M
It was not savable-I knew this almost 2 years into it, when XH M OW

You will know when you have had enough
You can trust yourself
and while you stand you are not standing still-
you create a new life, new friends, new you-new hobbies, activities
We take everything we learn with us to recreate our lives for the better-


wishing you a peaceful Monday

[Grace21]

Thank you DnJ for your thoughtful response. It truly was the words I needed to hear when I woke up this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night. Awake from about 3 a.m. on. Mind turning, turning, turning. Your words helped me re-group this morning, and I feel better.

What I have found. You don’t have to decide today. Since you’re here, I can guess your predisposition is to stand, find understanding and compassion, and hope. So stand.

I recommend standing while you heal anyhow. Find detachment, let go of H, let go of your fears, find indifference, discover your beliefs and who you truly are deep inside. Heal. Then you can decide. Then standing really starts.

The inner discovery of your beliefs, desires, and convictions, is an incredible journey. You will exit that a very full person, you will see the world differently. I guarantee! It is profound.

I can see the value in this, and it’s wise counsel. I have made great gains in my spiritual journey, am becoming a better friend, and discovering how controlling I can be (supporting my “fix-it” or helping nature). I am in no hurry to force a decision to formal S or D, because I’m not looking to fill my life with anyone else. I DO want to spend the time needed to find my complete self. I think I’m well on the way.

Let go of time lines. They are expectations. There is a difference in expectations between “I am going to do some real soul searching” and “I am going to do some real soul searching over the next 3 months”. What happens if you haven’t found what you’re searching for in 3 months? Will you be disappointed? It is difficult to let go of the time constraints we are all used to dealing with, the deadlines of this busy world. It is peaceful when you finally do.
As an aside. Hope with a deadline is an expectation. Hope doesn’t have deadlines. When we put end dates on hope, that is what happens - hope ends.

Timelines=expectations
Hope with a deadline = expectations

This is very valuable insight for me. Thank you! I’m going to write it in my journal to remind me!

I realize further detachment will come. I become impatient because of my “fix-it now” mentality. I think the key for me to let go of those fears on change, and to remember that my Hs choices really have nothing to do with me. When the thoughts of “why can’t H be happy with me” creep in, I remind myself that he’s not happy with Himself, so it really isn’t a reflection on Me.

I will continue my journey, and remember to turn my fears and anxiety over to God.

Lord, please give me the patience to wait while you do your work. Amen