Wow, Joe, I could have written so much of what you said in your last post. I am almost at 4 years of my H returning, and I still have some of these thoughts and feelings at times. Just last week I saw XOW, and while I didn't have an emotional trigger, I definitely thought to myself, "first off, wow she is heinous. Second, yeah, that really happened. My H had an A with that miserable psycho and broke apart our life. And here we are after all these years and I still don't have those in love feelings. It will never be the same as the first 10 years when I adored him. What am I doing?"
Sometimes I think it's better for me not to post here because I don't want to ruin anyone's hope or optimism if their S does return. The thing is tho, that your feelings about her and what she did won't simply go away over time. It is in a sense a choice to forgive them and/or love them again. Admittedly I still struggle with that at times. Sometimes I wonder if the damage was just too much to recover. My sitch was def on the extreme end. My point is, you can choose to love again and you can choose to work through things. The original issues in the M, must also be looked at and addressed. It's really hard.
I also have those feelings of "bleh." This is my life now. .... I got the guy! Winning! .... but I'm not winning at all. I second guess myself and my choices all the time. There are a couple things that keep me going and I want to share that with you. These are the things that I remind myself when I want to give up:
I have heard, read, and do believe that Ms that overcome hardships are ultimately a stronger bond. Experts write about the stages of relationships and they must go through difficulties to get to the last stage. It seems that if we can make it that far, then there can be a renewed commitment and bond. I think a lot of people give up before they make it there. Then, perhaps we will also give up even more easily with the next person?
Just as the M can be stronger after working at it, I think the same can be true of the self. This BD/DB/Piecing business really does strip us of armor or security in life. We are forced to look within ourselves, lick our wounds, and really become a better person. I always say the silver lining in this mess is the self growth that happens when we GAL, 180, and do the genuine hard work.
I think loyalty builds integrity and character. We all have family issues - with our parents, siblings or who ever - but we stick it out and make it work because they are family. I think of an H or W as family in the same way. Maybe more so because we chose them! If there are any children involved, all the more reason to demonstrate commitment to family.
I do think there are plenty of fish in the sea. My BFF is dating and we always scroll through match.com together and get in these convos about the guys and the messages they send. She has dated a few, but nothing serious. They are all human and they all come with some baggage. Just as our Hs and Ws do. So ultimately every R we choose to be in will require some type of compromise or work. Humans are all flawed, and I know my Hs flaws! They could be much, much worse. They also could be better....
Lastly, I ask myself, do I like who he is today? Sure he F'd up royaly in the past. And we all know it! But on a day to day basis, is he a good man, H and father? Because who he is today is the man I am with now and the man I am moving forward with in the future.
All baggage and history aside, is your XW today a person you would want to date or potentially marry? I think your answer might be in there, because you CAN recover from the pain of the baggage and history, but you have to want what is in front of you now.
Blu
What a great post. thank you for your insight . Now is there a certain time and damage caused that makes it harder i wonder? Like if its only a few months and no A i wonder if its much easier to not think about down the road if you get back together.
