Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Gerda]

I am guessing that these feelings are relatively new, in that you have not been feeling these for years and years. I could be way off base, however that is the premise I’m going with.

DnJ

Well, no. I was just explaining something to Gordie because of his description of my situation -- with me as a saint of some kind and my H as a Pharisee screaming to crucify me.

What I was trying to say is that I am no saint and don't want to be a martyr. That I am tempted as much as the next girl -- maybe even as much as my H was -- at least in response to his breaking my heart. I am the most faithful and loving lady around, when I am loved back. I remember even telling my H once when things started slipping that my love was conditional, that I couldn't love him if he didn't love me back, as it hurt too much. God had other plans for me; He wanted me to learn to love unconditionally. When I first was doing the Love Dare, after BD, and getting rejected over and over and over, I remember very clearly one day after some monstrous response from my H being hit suddenly with the thought, Oh, that is what Christ is. Loving even when all you get back is hate. That hit me like a bolt. It's what made me want to be a Christian.

It is not easy for me to choose to stand and be faithful, especially because this stand just keeps stretching out longer and longer. But I feel the call from God so powerfully and so inescapably that I have no choice but to listen. I understand that being called by God will include a very heavy cross and that I may be crucified upon it.

I know God loves me in my sorrow -- and that he loves me as I am now, with my battles against temptations of all kinds, from anger to bitterness to despair to paralysis to chocolate to thoughts of other men. I don't think that I can just wait for those feelings to pass until the real me comes. I know that I am incapable of fighting them alone. My courage is in going to God with all of those things and ask him to take them away. I could never do it on my own will. I can barely resist a milk dud. I just feel the call from God very powerfully and I can't ignore it. I ask God for help and He always prevents me from walking too far down those paths, always in a way that I would never have thought of myself.

You know, I never liked drinking or drugs because I grew up in a pill popping and drinking house and I thought it was really ugly. I like to have control of my mind. But I smoked for many years and I picked it up again at BD. Smoking all that first year after BD was part of how I got myself back, in some weird way. But I stopped, never to do it again when I got cancer.

[Grace21]

This describes my feelings quite well. I often crave attention from other men, could easily start drinking too much, or fall into despair. But, all these are useless in healing, or in reconciliation. H hasn’t treated me like “his woman” in so long. I really miss that!

I wear my wedding rings to remind myself that I am still married, and want to keep to my vows. It’s not in my nature to give into things that go against that, or to fall into destructive behavior. But, I can see how easy it would be to give into the devil’s whispered words that would take me down that path. When those thoughts come, prayer lifts me up, and I can move on. When I have thoughts of throwing in the towel, or dwell on Hs "sins", I too am reminded we are all sinners, and if God can love H anyway, maybe I can too.

BTW Gerda, love “Rejoice Ministries”!

[Gordie]

Gerda

I did not intend my description of you seeking to be a saint as a criticism

All saints are sinners who are exemplary only because of their faith

We should all seek to be saints

And remember

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man/woman



How is the washing machine?

How are the kids?

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

How are you doing?

I understand your life is busy, and probably far too much with H and such.

Know I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family. (((Gerda)))

DnJ

[Gerda]

Thank you, DnJ. I am insanely busy, but it's not that. I am in a weird place of acceptance and forgiveness alternating with a darkness that keeps me on my knees. The money problems are also paralyzing but mostly I am facing my own savagery (in a mirror, darkly) and just praying a lot and can't think of anything to put in words, which seem so insufficient.

I do like seeing you here though, am so appreciative that you are thinking of me, so thank you for that.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Acceptance and forgiveness do take a while to fully embrace or believe within yourself. Back and forth you will alternate, eventually you will get there. I do understand your lack of loquaciousness, things are settling and yes words just don’t seem to fit - and that isn’t quite it either. That is a pretty strong sign of your emotional journey progressing.

Intellectually we understand. Emotionally we accept. Acceptance is emotional understanding.

When we understand we will know it. When we accept we will feel it. Two different and separate cars, tightly intertwined.



I wish to share with you the progress on my spiritual path.

At first I prayed for W to wake up, to get better, to return. The usual stuff I suspect. I then realized I was being rather selfish regarding my wants. I also figured God knows my true desires so me continually pestering Him is not really helpful or needed, so I changed my prayers.

I turned to prayers of asking for strength, guidance, patients, blessings, for me and my family and loved ones. And yes that included W, even spelled that out specifically.

Real progress in my journey happened when I changed my prayers again. Up to this point I had been asking for. The later of these askings were noble, honourable, and from a desire for growth. I changed my prayers to giving thanks.

My prayers became, and still are, of giving thanks for His blessings and in the answering of my previous prayers. Answers are not in the way I wanted, they are in the way I needed. Prayed for strength, got obstacles to overcome. Prayed for patience, got trying times to work through. Prayed for guidance, and people were placed on my path with ideas, suggestions, and advice. People like you (and a great many others here).

Prayers are answered.

The good Father, He teaches us, He doesn’t do it for us. If we listen and learn the lessons, we gain strength, patience, and wisdom. We learn and gain the ablility to stand on our own with an almost sadness of not needing His help, and with the realization that He is right there promoting us to that self sufficiency. He is the quiet strength from within.

I know I have many blessings and much to be thankful for. A big step happened when I stopped asking for help and gave thanks for the help I was being given.

The spiritual path is a huge part of forgiveness, compassion, hope, and faith. I am still learning lessons and being the best I will be.

I just thought I’d share with someone who helped me live in the light.

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ, you know how much I admire you and value your wisdom, but I was struck by something reading this post of yours.

I would like you to imagine for a moment your last year had your W been doing all that she is doing while living with you, coming and going as if she was just a very bad roommate and leaving all family responsibilities behind, loving at least one other man and sleeping on your couch in a small apartment, and the first two years after BD still owning 2 businesses together, and the rest of it still owning one business together.

Now imagine doing that not for one year but for over five. And during that time to live alone through cancer and court battles for the business.

Imagine that at some point in your journey, you start asking your W to take some time away so you and the kids can have a little peace and healing. She won't leave. Then after five years of this she files. You request that the court ask her to leave. The court can't.

The other night I found myself in a spiritual free fall and I was crying so hard I just lay on the floor of the altar at my church (no one else was there). I was telling God everything, asking Him to come quickly, keep me from sinking. And for some reason I started saying, "No no, God is here too," and then I started listing all the darkest times and places in history in which I knew He was present -- I mean I was saying things like, "God was in the death camps, God was in Rwanda," it was that intense. And I started to remember his presence in very specific historical moments (names and places), and just repeating them over and over until my heart started to feel lighter, and I knew God was with me, and that all I had to do was keep walking and never doubt His purpose for me or his grace in giving me what I needed to walk through this dark place with light.

Last night I had to remind myself of what I had understood then -- that my H 's battle isn't mine. My own battle is with my own will, not my H's. Once I understand that, detachment comes naturally, and so does kindness. Last night I made popcorn for my H and my D and set them up with a movie on the couch and went up to my room in peace, and it was the first time D had spent with H like that in many months.

I know I will sink again. I am always battling my will and doubting God. But I know also how I can find peace, when I can subdue my will.

I think you are amazing. But you had a certain kind of blessing in being set free on day one of BD. Some of us have a much more difficult path to peace.

[Gerda]

Here is a song that seems to express exactly what is in my H's mind and so many MLCers I have read about here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xirk18P889U

It's Billie Eilish's "Lovely" in case link gets blocked. The one with the lyrics.

[Gerda]

Horrible custody letter today. H has been acting almost like he is part of this family in response to my niceness lately. H talked to me for a long time about lit and religion, I was remembering how many of you asked me if he talks like he writes because today he definitely did, I could barely follow. And I mostly just listened but when he says things about God, I always feel like I have to reply.

I even gave him some of the homemade lotion I was making this morning and put a scent in it that I thought he would like, shared food with him, etc. Meanwhile I did not know (because my L didn't even send it to me on Friday!) that he wrote this custody proposal that says things like "Mother will not contact H or children when he is with them as he does not need her control."

Everything hinges on whether or not a court and a GAL would be able to see that H has not been a parent for 5 years and is crazy and that his only plan for providing for them is to take the money from selling their home.

If they would, then it is worth continuing to fight and to try to find some way to pay for GAL though I literally do not have $100 of the ten thousand it will cost.

If they would not see that H is crazy and an unfit parent, then I feel like I have to just take what H is offering, which is vague and selfish and includes overnights and extended holiday weeks of overnights that S and D do not want at all, at all, at all. But which could be better than what court would order if they don't see that he is crazy or that they think it's okay that he won't pay for anything for them except by selling their home and using that money to do it.

I have not been without my children ever overnight, nor they without me. They have not been taken care of by H since BD. I have always devoted myself completely to loving and nurturing them, and for whatever reason, nighttime is the particular time for us, the time we seem most in need of each other. So that is why this thought of overnights is making me crazy. And because I promised my kids they wouldn't have to do that.

I even offered that he could stay here with them on his nights (two Saturdays a month so not that bad) and I would leave.

But I don't want to be stupid and push and then end up with something worse.

I have to talk to L tomorrow but I am posting here in advance of that out of sheer loneliness facing this darkness. I have found myself in such a fog lately, can't get any work done and the clutter is piling up everywhere.

If I knew that I could say yes to these things and rest assured he would never follow through -- but I am scared he will actually try to take them overnight and that they would feel sad and betrayed.

[job]

I may be wrong, but I don't see the court approving the fact that you not contact your children when they are in his custody. I think I would have to have that reworded to state "children can be in communication w/their mother while in my custody". That is what I would attempt. As for contacting him when he has the children...no, you do not need to do that. Your children are old enough to call you if they need to speak w/you especially in saying good night and I love you mommy.

When they act nice or civil, you need to be on your toes. When they are this way, they want something and usually you get slammed with some legal mumbo jumbo stuff. At least, that is what I have observed over the years.

Speak to your lawyer and ask about my suggestion in the wording change.