Grace, I still remember the time period when it "clicked" for me that my parents were not just mom and dad - to each other they were husband and wife. I was about 23 when I really realized that their relationship as a couple existed (in part) separately than their relationship to my brother and I as our parents. It was mildly mind-blowing. smile That was when I realized that they had an entire life outside of what I might know about.

I think pointing this out to your S will help him understand. It sounds like you might have. At the age of 21 he is at a point as a (still young) man that he may feel like he wants reassurance from his parents - but what he really needs to start witnessing is an authentic relationship and all the work that it requires. I don't mean to say you should invite him in to your thoughts on this - I only mean that his view of you as a "wife" and not only "mom" may really help to define his future relationships in a positive way.