Robert, I'm pretty sure your W is having an EA. I suppose the more accurate term, in this case, would be IA (imaginary affair). She is obsessed with a celebrity and fantasizes about being with him. It may seem outrageous and silly to some people, but it should be taken seriously. She is lost in an imaginary world, and her fantasy is fed by the hours consumed in these reality shows. Many women have imaginary affairs. They are women who are not happy with themselves, with their MR, and with their life. They find an escape by reading romance novels, celebrity tabloids, watching tv/movies, etc. They begin to compare their H to the hero in the novel or movie. Guess who comes up with the shorter stick? The H, of course, b/c all that other stuff is make-believe.
Your W wants a brand new body and brand new life. She wants to escape her current life, and no matter how hard you try to show her your improvements, she is going after her fantasy. Am I saying all is hopeless? No, I am saying this is about her and her issues. She will have to experience some type of loss or consequences due to her decision to end the M and search for happiness in fantasy land.
If I were in her shoes, and was a behavior coach (I can't remember the exact title, ATM)......I think I would feel like a fake since I had not lived what I taught. I may be wrong about her, but I wonder how many times she has cringed when people asked about her profession and then looked at her weight. At any rate, she's obviously felt unfulfilled if she's soaking up reality shows. But maybe that's just me.
Then you have your issues, as well. You sound somewhat of the compulsive/obsession nature, and maybe ADD. When things are clutter or out of order it seems to through you out of kilter. That's okay, when you are used to things being tidy and organized, it's very frustrating trying to operate in a disaster area. The problem is compounded b/c there has been some poor relationship habits developed in the M.
The habit I see that has formed over time is that you take on the responsibility of most to all the chores, while she either gave up or she was glad for you to do everything......while she did whatever she wanted. I've said it once and I'll say again that it is not healthy for a man to everything...in order to leave his W with nothing. The fact that you don't mind, or maybe you prefer that kind of setup b/c it works for you......is not really my point here. It's not healthy for a MR. When both spouses are working outside the home at full time employment, the chores need to be fairly divided. Who feeds and bathes the baby? Who takes care of his clothes, packs for day care, etc? Who does the cleaning? As I recall from your first post, cleaning the house has been a point of contention. These issues do not work themselves out. You have to find a solution, or they continue.
Both of you suffer from low self esteem. ATM, you are one another's worst supporters. You are blaming one another for frustrations at home and for your unhappiness. Your W had resentments toward you and that led to disrespect, and she gave up on the M some time ago. And now, she is seeking something else to make her happy. You have done your share of blame, as well. So, there needs to be a solution. Easier said than done, unfortunately. However, that's partly why we are here, to put our heads together and take what we learn from DB to find a better solution.
Okay, so other than a bed, what do you have in the basement? Do you have a TV? Is there a place for the baby to play? Do you have a dorm size frig? Are you really comfortable down there? Does the humidity and mold not affect you? Is there no AC vent in the basement? Summer will be here shortly.
Let me tell why I think your W has suddenly started doing the dishes and some other things upstairs. She is pretending she's single. She has moved you down to the basement......out of sight out of mind. She is stage setting. She has removed her rings from her finger, removed her H from the marital bedroom, and now she wants to rehearse being a single mom. So, if you are dead set on staying in that basement, then my advice is to back off doing her share of chores.... and allow her to have as much feel for a single working mom as possible. She won't get anywhere close to the reality of being a single mom, but it's a start. (Gosh, can you imagine living in a RV with a one-year child? Yeah, that would get old the first week on the road.)
As you ponder on these things, I want you to consider dividing up the weekdays and weekends with your W, and having a schedule for which parent will stay home to keep the baby......while the other parent is free to do whatever they choose. Do not give her every Saturday free. There needs to be an equal trade, or as close as possible. Know what I mean? On the nights/days you are free.....you need to leave that house....at least for a while. Don't share with her your whereabouts, your activity, or with whom. As long as there is a cell phone, where she can reach you in case of an emergency, I think that's all that's necessary. She wanted separation, plus, I doubt she'll she be sharing much with you about her free time activities. So, find a coffee shop to hang out, walk around in Walmart, go to the library to read, go see your guy friends, go to the gym to work out, or use your spare time in reinventing the new Robert. Just don't hang out with your W. Can you do it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
