Two years? Please tell me you have not mentioned this to your H. If he thinks you'll stick around for that time frame you are just enabling him and creating problems. He needs to think and feel you aren't going to be there forever. Don't get me wrong, he does need space and time, but you can't let him think your OK as a plan B or a fallback for him.
Going back to school is fine, and if it's a win-win then great. However, it is a big decision to make while you're in the middle of a bigger, more stressful situation.
I've mentioned going back to school but I haven't mentioned the separation part. I'm not sure how he would even take that idea, honestly. He keeps mentioning moving back to Hawaii (which is where I am from and where I'm going back to) to start new there.
I mean, I don't really have any other responsibilities other than myself. He'll be gone and he's taking the dog so I won't have that either. It is kind of a lot at once, but I wouldn't start until September so it's not like I'm jumping right in. I'll have time to gather myself, and then at least have something to look forward to after all of this.
Ah yes, Hawaii. It is the magical place where none of your problems will exist. If only life were so easy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ah yes, Hawaii. It is the magical place where none of your problems will exist. If only life were so easy.
I mean, for me, thats just where I'm from, so I'm just going home. But yeah, he keeps bringing up that he might move back there too but I don't think he ever will. He's too set in his ways.
My WW mentioned running away and moving away so many times right after BD it was unreal. Your problems will still exist even if you, both of you, or he moves.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My WW mentioned running away and moving away so many times right after BD it was unreal. Your problems will still exist even if you, both of you, or he moves.
I heard that same thing as well right before and after bd . "i want to pack up and move away and start a new life " or something along those lines.
My WW mentioned running away and moving away so many times right after BD it was unreal. Your problems will still exist even if you, both of you, or he moves.
I agree. My marriage counselor advised me that his coping mechanisms seem to be drinking and avoidance. And I guess in a way I'm running away too because he indirectly asked me to leave.
I also think that his issues, whatever they may be that are causing his behavior, will still exist for him regardless of where I am. He thinks me leaving is going to be the first step in him feeling better, even though Ive repeatedly told him I'd support whatever it is he needs to work through.
He's starting to spend some time at home, which is nice. We mostly just watch Planet Earth on the BBC channel and make weird commentary about animals (we do stuff like this all the time, I don't know why haha) but its been nice. No discussions about the relationship or anything like that. He's still telling me where he's going when he leaves (or texts me where he is if i don't see him).
A few days ago he asked if it would be weird if he slept in the mbr with me, to which I responded "It's entirely up to you, ill still be sleeping there, if you want to too, by all means. Or you can sleep in the guest room or in the living room, it doesn't make a difference to me" so he's basically been sleeping everywhere, except the guest room. But some nights on the couch, some on the recliner, and then occasionally I wake up and he's next to me.
Weird thing happened yesterday though, we were hanging out in the living room and my mother called me. I usually speak Japanese to my mom on the phone, but I was just keeping the conversation short and in English this time and through most of the conversation my husband kept turning around and looking at me and trying to figure out who I was talking to. Eventually I ended the conversation in Japanese and he went "oh, how are your parents doing?" It was very bizarre. A few minutes later I get a phone call from the pharmacy telling me my prescription was going to be delayed ( I have a very exciting life, as you can tell) but the same thing happened. He just turned around and watched my face as I was talking on the phone. This time I didn't tell him who called because honestly, its none of this business right? When I hung up the phone he just had this expectant look on his face like I should tell him who I was talking to, to which I responded "...what?..." and then he just turned around and resumed watching TV.
Then later he told me he was going to head over to his dads to help him work on his snowmobile, and he'd probably stay the night down there. I just told him to have fun, drive safe annnnnd g'bye. Got to wake up to a lovely picture text of some welt on his leg with the caption "Look at this thing!"
Mixed feelings haha. Just taking each piece as it comes at me. I'm not even going to attempt to figure out his thought patterns.
We're supposed to head down to our (married groups of friends) friends place to watch the SuperBowl tonight and he keeps telling me he may just go to another friends house (bunch of unmarried dudes) Which is fine, I'm still going to go. I told him if he wanted to come with, I would DD because I won't drink very much anyway (come on guys, its Monday tomorrow). I'm telling myself that I'm just being nice, not that I'm making myself overly available or pursuing. So we'll see how it goes!
Starting to feel kind of hopeless. I’ve been going out and doing the things but it just doesn’t feel like anything makes a difference. But I guess it comes in waves, which is normal.
H caught a cold so he’s been sleeping in the guest room. I’m not sure if he’s saying that as an excuse because he never tells me how he’s really feeling about things. He just makes excuses until his feelings compound or he can’t think of anymore excuses and then everything comes pouring out.
He ended up going to a Super Bowl party at his other friends place so we were separate for the night, but he did continue to text. Felt pretty fed up with him yesterday but he continued to text in the morning. I just didn’t bother to answer until after my lunch break. Feeling fed up definitely makes it easier to detach but at the same time it makes me feel so much more sad and hopeless. I think I’m just in the low part of the wave right now.
My parents call me (literally) everyday and they keep telling him going home (to Hawaii) to give him space is the best idea. I’m just not sure anymore because my therapist tells me leaving will probably be the thing to end the marriage and my husband seems pretty set in the idea of me leaving, even though he only vaguely mentions it.
Just maintint the pleasant disposition for the most part right now. His birthday is next week. I don’t have any plans to do anything for him, but I was thinking of at least getting him a birthday card. Too much?
Anybody else out there have super passive spouses?
Also stopped wearing my rings when he asked for D but... I want to put it back on. Does THAT go against detachment? I love my wedding rings and what they represent and I hate not wearing them and thinking that this may be the last chance I get to really wear them.
I was most closely raised being Buddhist, and I do find a lot of peace when I read about Buddhist teachings, found an excerpt from a website that spoke to me, and will probably speak to a lot of people on here, buddhist or not (found on enthusiasticbuddhist.com)
"It often helps at these times to remember that everything is impermanent – even the difficult time we’re having now. It cannot and will not last. Something has to change. It is the nature of life to move in cycles. Sometimes things will go our way and sometimes they won’t. So we need to practice wisdom and remember the impermanence of our current difficulties. In fact, knowing that they’re in the process of change, right now, should put a smile on our face. In the past, what might have seemed to us as insurmountable problems have now passed, and this one will too. It’s just a matter of practicing a bit of patience and waiting for the shift to happen.
Difficult situations in our life can also help to reduce our arrogance. We develop humility when we acknowledge that we are not in control and accept that life isn’t always going to go our way. Humility might be a hard pill to swallow at first, but it helps us to open ourselves and be flexible in difficult times, rather than rigid, angry and uptight.
So when problems in life confront us, rather than reacting with anger, blame and sadness, and therefore perpetuating more misery, we should try to see what we’re being served as an opportunity to make progress on the spiritual path. Let it become a catalyst for inciting our compassion, generosity, and tolerance. Let us avoid falling into negative responses of anger and instead cultivate compassion towards ourselves and others in the midst of turmoil. By doing so, we can quickly make progress in our spiritual development. The truth is, we need the difficulties in our lives to help “massage” these qualities into action; otherwise a perfect life without any trials won’t promote these qualities"
Also stopped wearing my rings when he asked for D but... I want to put it back on. Does THAT go against detachment? I love my wedding rings and what they represent and I hate not wearing them and thinking that this may be the last chance I get to really wear them.
My W took her rings off shortly after she found her voice when she wanted D. I noticed and it affected me. I asked her to put them on until after we D, which she has. I feel now that I should not have asked. If the rings represented the same thing to both of us and meant the same thing, that'd be a different story. I now can see to her the M is dead, so I should not have asked her.
I haven't worn my ring in a while because sadly when I gained weight it stopped fitting right. I lost weight and first thing I did was try it back on. Still have a ways to go. If it was up to me, I'd wear it until D. My ring is not a fancy ring, it is a simple band with the center raised and has a hammered finish for the symbolism. I like my ring and what it represents too.
It's a personal choice to wear your rings. If you love what they represent and want to wear them, wear them.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
