There is a lot of conflicting advice that I have been reading about whether or not to be her friend.
It depends on the sitch. For example, if the couple are reconciling or have entered into the Piecing stage, then that's the time to be friends. You don't continue following the 37 rules, if you are in Piecing the Marriage back together.
The LBS has to evaluate their spouse and the sitch. In other words, if we are talking about a couple who broke up for reasons other than one spouse was wayward......then that could be an exception, but the LBS can't be BFF's if the other spouse is still wayward. The LBS can be civil, maybe even friend-ly.......but s/he cannot be buddies with the betrayer who continues to disrespect the LBS. There are several reasons, and the biggest one that comes to mind ATM is b/c the WS is a user. S/he wants the best of both worlds, therefore, s/he will use the LBS. It will not be a two-way friendship, b/c the WS is focused on what s/he can get or how s/he can use the LBS for her/his own benefit. The LBS cannot trust the WS as long as there is a third party in the M. There can be no friendship when the WS is clearly being disrespectful toward the LBS. FWIW, I believe this applies especially to the sitch with a wayward wife, b/c of how the level of respect in the woman is a determining factor in her feelings of love for her H.
If the couple has been physically separated or divorced, and the WS has cleaned up her/his act and approaches the LBS about dating again........the LBS can evaluate things. The LBS can start slow/small (like meet at a coffee shop) and slowly build a friendship, before jumping back into an intimate MR. If the WS won't treat the LBS good as friend, then there's a high risk s/he won't treat the LBS any better once they start living together.
It is important that the WS has ended the A, and ended GGW behavior, and has agreed to the terms of the LBS for reconciliation.......before the LBS considers building a friendship (if that's what s/he wants).
I guess I am crazy, but I have never thought of my H as my "friend". It doesn't mean there is no comradery in our relationship. He is my husband! That is a position only one person can fill. I rank a spouse at a much higher level than a friend. I think the whole idea of marrying one's best friend started back in the '70s, as best as I can recall. All the wedding invitations suddenly started saying "Today I marry my best friend", and now people think of a marriage like a friendship. I get it, but I don't really agree with it. However, I can refer to spouses being friends......as a language of accommodation.
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I feel like I am still doing this, even though I have told my WW that I will not be her friend. When I softened up, I did not fall back to my old habits trying to appease her every request. I am still unavailable to her when I am busy, regardless of whether I am truly busy or not.
IMHO, some people confuse the friendly behavior with the relationship of friends. When working in the public, we usually approach customers/patrons with a smile on our face and use a professional greeting. Some jobs, such as a sales rep, require a persona of warmth & friendliness. However, after the transaction has been made, or the meeting has ended......everyone goes their separate ways. There was friend-ly behavior demonstrated, but there were no personal friendships established. Make sense?
Phoenix, I see you as an all or nothing kind of man, and maybe that's why it gets confusing. You are either all in, or out. When I told you that you didn't need to show anger, coldness, silence, etc. to your WW......you immediately decided to soften. But you have trouble finding the middle of the road.......or as I call it, balance. Let me ask you, how do you treat a cashier when you are purchasing something in a store? Are you rude, won't look at her/him, won't speak, ignore, complain, etc? Do you smile, speak, maybe make small chit-chat during the interaction? If it's the latter, do you try to do something to appease them, accommodate them, impress them, and try to have a relationship with them..........or do you kindly complete the business transaction and go on your way? Can you behave this way with your WW?
Why do you want to be her BFF while she is having an intimate affair with OM? That makes no sense to me. Why do you want to be a friend to someone who disrespects you? If that person disrespects you.....they are not a friend to you. I think the confusion comes b/c the LBH misses the closeness of his W. He misses the love. He misses the interaction with her. That's understandable, however, don't settle for a friendship while she scr@wing another man!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
