Yorkie - I know everything you say is true. If he was a [censored] I could let hate drive me forward. If I did no see him all the time, I would be forced to build a life without him and I necessity would drive me forward. If we did not have children together, then I would have sold this house in the suburbs I can barely afford, moved to London and buried myself in work and social activities. I suck it in and take each day as it comes. I tell myself that if I keep putting one step in front of the other, maintain my calm, then I will make it to the next step without breaking down. Some days are worse then others.
DV - I think you are right. My H will be one of the ones who eventually wants to comes back. This is why it is so difficult for both of us to let go. Right now, he wants his freedom and he wants me to be waiting for him. I sense this in the words he uses, the random acts of kindness, the way he needs to assert control. Kindness in itself is an act of control. Push and pull. Pull just enough to keep me here, push when he feels I am getting too close. I expect that when others read this they think I am weak letting him cake eat the way he does. But I am not. My choices are based on what is best for me and what is best for my children. He can join us or he not. I am not affected either way. As Yorkie says, I have done a decent job of detaching. It is the letting go I am having problems with.
Paco - Thank you thank you thank you. We are getting an English tutor for D12 in addition to the IC. We have also started sitting with her in the evenings and going through those days lessons with her. H does it with her when he has her and I do it with her when I have her. It will take time away from D9 - I only see them for a couple of hours in the evening, but I will find a way to make it up to her. Y
Journaling
It has been a funny week, with lots of emotional ups and downs but I am feeling more positive today.
My ex (the one before H) was over from the state for three days and, as I was WFH wed, I asked him if he wanted to come and have dinner with me and the kids. It was spur of the moment invite. If I had gone to the office, we would not have been back until after 7 and he would have spent an hour or two with was home he children and had to hop back on a train to London so would not have really been worth it. But, as I was WFH, he was able to come over for 5, and spend some real time with them. He is godfather to the eldest and they were both flower girls at his wedding. My H has always thought my ex was sitting in the sidelines waiting for me to come back, and for a long time he was, but he has for some time, lived in NY and has three children of his own. I think that ship has sailed. Anyway, we all went out for pizza, he talked to D12 for a long time about 'being organised' and, strangely, meditating and breathing exercises and then, once we'd had dinner, he headed back. It was nice spending time with him and the children love him. I did not tell my H but he has probably heard from the kids. I am not hiding anything and would not encourage my kids to either.
Thursday I went out for drinks with my team and then we went for dinner. H offered to watch the kids (it was my night). We had a lovely meal with no H talk what so ever. Just good food, nice company, lots of laughter, and over priced wine. The restaurant is on the south side of the Tower Bridge, and when we came out the bridge was all lit up. It looked majestic. Reminded me that I don't look around enough. London is beautiful when you take the time to appreciate it. It's just everyone is always in a hurry to get to wherever they are going (probably due to the cold) that we don't stop and look. When I got home I spoke to H briefly. He was in the middle of doing something on D12's phone. He said it was going to take some time and I could head up to bed if I wanted to and he would show himself out. Discomfort I suspect. I was supposed to go out with my ex that night (I had told him) but as had seen my ex the night before decided to go to the work dinner instead.
Last night I went out for a drink with a work colleague. Nothing heavy. Just a couple of quiet drinks and then home by 9. My H and I had been communicating during the day (logistics) and I had said that I could be home early if he wanted to have dinner together but got no reply. So, not out of any revenge, i said yes when i to the invite for beers. In am glad I did. We had a really nice night. Talked about Game of Thrones and bad taste fancy dress costumes.
H is bringing the girls back any minute now. So better get a move on.
