Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Adam, it's time for some truth darts my man. FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS. You have two sons, 6 and 11? They need their dad right now far more than they need their mom.

This is the best advise you have ever received. Ignore every other piece of advise you have ever been given before you ignore this one.

What is best for your kids is best for you.

Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing. Do not let anyone take this away from you.

You can handle it.

I respect everyone's support and advice given. I won't need to ignore anything. Taking it all to heart, especially this one.

I will make it work. I know I can.

Thank you so much for this.

W:"Bla bla bla you said bla bla"
H:"I decided my relationship with my kids is more important than....."

or


H:"I changed my mind"

Came home and told her the second. (I'll use the H: W: format a little bit for some of the flow of the convo)

I said "W, I changed my mind. I thought about it and I'm okay with whatever happens to us but I am not okay with only spending a couple of days with the boys out of the week, and I spoke to someone who went through this and said it was actually 2 days out of 2 weeks so I am definitely not okay with this."

W said, Yeah okay I wanted you to spend more time with them. So this means I will be paying you child support right since its 50/50?

I said "I think so but I don't know. I know when they were going to be with you, I would have paid X amount of dollars. Yeah I want 50/50, you good?"

W said Yeah, I'm good. I thought it was this XYZ amount since I looked online. SO this means when we D I wont be able to pay your share of this and that along with the child support."

I said "Oh okay, well when we get to that point we can figure out the financial stuff and I wanted to let you know so when we D we can see about being fair with splitting everything 50/50. I told her when it comes to that point our bills will be split and the lawyers will work out the agreement.

W "50/50 split?"

I said "yeah, yesterday we spoke on the mortgage and my car note, the new house, they will look at everything, our savings, retirement, stocks, and all that"

W" I think we should talk about that before we get lawyers involved and make some sort of agreement beforehand. I don't want this to get ugly. I think I need to speak to a lawyer about this."

( At this point she was getting a little emotional, worried, and frantic.)

I said, "I agree, please let me know when you do and I will see about getting one as well and we can have them coordinate."

W" Well my stocks I was going to use to fund the house and I worked hard for that I don't think you are entitled to that"

I said, "Okay, this is why we would want to get the lawyers involved, I don't know what will happen but I want what is fair for the kids. They will look at everything and let us know what is fair."

(That's the jest of the convo, summarizing below)

I made sure to not agree to anything. She left to go eat out with her sisters. Somewhere in that conversation I remember talking about our debts and assets, and savings. I told her I think everything gets looked at but I don't know what will be considered or omitted. I told her I'm sure we could make agreements through the lawyers.

She was upset like I was touching her savings, her retirement, -especially- her stock options. Sell of her stocks was going to the house and if she has to split that with me she said she would be in a bad financial spot. I told her I totally understand, I was looking at living in an apartment just yesterday and I broke it down how much money I would have left at the end of every month and I said I was okay with this financial aspect of it, and you know what she did? She didn't hear a word I said and I thought she would be like that. It was all about her. She even said these words "This is not what I was planning to happen"

This was tough because I understand the worry of having a place for the kids. She was callous because I was busting this bubble of hers.

I told her I would rather tell her now than wait til end of May and spring it on her. She said she appreciated it.

That's how the convo went down.

Next step is to look for a lawyer who will fight for me on the 50/50 custody.

Instead of moving out early, I plan to stay here now. I need to save up for paying a retainer up front. I think that is a realistic move and then looking at the apartments I drove out to on Christmas day by her place.

Keep it short and civil? No agreements unless through a lawyer? I'll say I need time to think about things.

Please keep the advice coming and any insight is greatly welcomed.