After having a pretty good week, without to much angst, I find myself thinking way too much about H tonight. He's in a new place today, rented for 3 months. We only exchanged about 10 words via text in a week. I feel him drifting further and further away, and think D will happen sooner rather than later, but happen all the same. Sometimes I think I'm o.k. with everything, and I can ride it out for now because for the most part I AM happy and content. People even comment that I look happy.....
But, then satan rears his ugly head and tries to side-track me. So, I turn to my bible study, read some scripture I copied down that's helpful, try to keep busy, or journal. So, here I am. I've already done all the other things.....
I'm going to visit my kids tomorrow. Have a whole day planned. It will be nice to see them. Made a big mistake, though. I thought why not offer H the opportunity to see them too if he wished? So, I texted him informing him I was going to visit the kids and he was welcome to come if he wished. That was it. He never even bothered to respond. Maybe that's what put me in a funk. When I sent it I thought I had no expectations, except to think he will not want to come with. So why ask him at all? I don't know. Well, perhaps in my deep psyche I was hoping he would respond favorably? Who knows. Well, no 2x4s needed. I know that wasn't the thing to do. Anyway, now I'm glad he won't be going. It would have been an awkward 4 hours in the car along together. And I get my babies all to myself for a whole day!
I need to remind myself that I'm at peace when I turn my life over to God. I feel anxiety when I think about the outcome. That's trying to control the uncontrollable. Wasted energy.
I won't let this slip get me down. Back on track with living my life, and not worrying about H's life or even my M.
I remind myself to place my trust in God and ask for patience for Him to do his work.
