LBH Looking for Help and Guidance

[DejaVu6]

Letting go is hard JB. My H has been gone for four months now and we are rapidly heading towards D which he wants to happen in May so it is no longer “hanging over” his head. Guess he figures once the D is finalized, he will be magically released from his guilt and the resentment towards me that he has been building for years. It hurts but I can’t stop him. Nothing to do but accept it and move forward.

I totally understand you wanting your W to understand your feelings. I made that mistake way too many times at the beginning of this sitch and I am pretty sure it sealed my fate. You need to drop the rope and get out of her way. Anytime she thinks you aren’t doing that, you push her towards OM and justify her decision. You don’t need to justify your decisions to her. She left. Do what you need to do to move forward and don’t give in to the feeling that you need to explain it to her. You don’t. Just do it.

(((HUGS)))

[SoTorn]

The WW tries to convince themselves any way possible that they havent done anything wrong. My WW is exactly the same way. She "claims" that she didn't sleep with OM until after she moved upstairs and that it isn't an affair because we were "separated". I clarified that I know she slept with him before she moved upstairs and that we weren't separated. I told her she is having an affair and that is the bottom line and I don't want to hear anymore BS excuses about it.

[ovrrnbw]

My WW has been asking me for favors since this whole thing started, and I've been obliging until earlier this week.

OMG so she fires you as a husband, moves out, and then you're OK in the friendzone coming along to fix stuff for her? I don't know how you're OK with that. You really need to read NMMNG about 100 times. She's wayward. She has an OM that she likes to say is post separation. Yea, right. He's sleeps with her and you take care of errands. She thinks you are her B!+ch.

I asked that we do not ask personal favors from one another outside of childcare/things left at the house.

You asked? You asked???!!! She is seeing you as so so so weak. You have to stop asking a cheating spouse who doesn't want you if it's ok to do what you want.

She blew up, asked if we were still friends

I hope you said we are not friends.

The proper reaction is to not care if she blows up. Most cheaters don't like the truth. And it's not your job to bring that truth to her doorstep, but if she brings the BS to your doorstep you smack it down with the backhand of the truth.

I told her that at the moment I was undecided on remaining her friend

Wwweeaaaakkkkk.

I could go on and on. Everything you do keeps you in the friendzone. You are clinging to her, trying desperately to hang on for a little bread crumb or table scrap while some other guy is sleeping with her. Come on man!

one of my action items is to practice greater emotional courage.

I don't know many strong men that use words like this. Are you working in a Fortune 500 company giving some presentation, or do you talk like this all the time?

I keep my ring on for whatever reason. It used to be as a show that reconciliation was still my goal, but at this point keeping it on is a burden that I endure purely because of my convictions.

Put it away where you can't see it. You need to forget about her and go out with your buddies or make new buddies. You need to go be around men and enjoy doing man stuff. Tell them how you keep trying to be her friend, how she is a cheater, how she moved out and watch their facial expressions. Maybe some will be frank enough to tell you what you are doing is crazy. I sure would.

[JB42]

My WW has been asking me for favors since this whole thing started, and I've been obliging until earlier this week.

OMG so she fires you as a husband, moves out, and then you're OK in the friendzone coming along to fix stuff for her? I don't know how you're OK with that. You really need to read NMMNG about 100 times. She's wayward. She has an OM that she likes to say is post separation. Yea, right. He's sleeps with her and you take care of errands. She thinks you are her B!+ch.

Fair assessment, which is why I stated my position on not doing personal favors.

I asked that we do not ask personal favors from one another outside of childcare/things left at the house.

You asked? You asked???!!! She is seeing you as so so so weak. You have to stop asking a cheating spouse who doesn't want you if it's ok to do what you want.

I stated that we should not be doing personal favors and that I will no longer be doing any for her - I used the term ask in the forum as I cannot control whether or not she continues to ask for my help.

She blew up, asked if we were still friends

I hope you said we are not friends.

The proper reaction is to not care if she blows up. Most cheaters don't like the truth. And it's not your job to bring that truth to her doorstep, but if she brings the BS to your doorstep you smack it down with the backhand of the truth.

Fair - I kept my cool and didn't allow her to take control of the situation like she normally did during the M.

I told her that at the moment I was undecided on remaining her friend

Wwweeaaaakkkkk.

I could go on and on. Everything you do keeps you in the friendzone. You are clinging to her, trying desperately to hang on for a little bread crumb or table scrap while some other guy is sleeping with her. Come on man!

I disagree - my mind isn't made up on the decision, but I maintained that it is my decision to make. A pretty strong position if you ask me. A friendship, at least a surface level one, would benefit the kids.

one of my action items is to practice greater emotional courage.

I don't know many strong men that use words like this. Are you working in a Fortune 500 company giving some presentation, or do you talk like this all the time?

I'm actually in the military and I know quite a few strong men and women that use words and phrases like this. I don't use them in casual conversation, but they are useful in assessing and addressing weak points (and strong points). Having a concrete definition allows concrete action.

I keep my ring on for whatever reason. It used to be as a show that reconciliation was still my goal, but at this point keeping it on is a burden that I endure purely because of my convictions.

Put it away where you can't see it. You need to forget about her and go out with your buddies or make new buddies. You need to go be around men and enjoy doing man stuff. Tell them how you keep trying to be her friend, how she is a cheater, how she moved out and watch their facial expressions. Maybe some will be frank enough to tell you what you are doing is crazy. I sure would.

I'm doing alright on the manly stuff front, could probably do with making more friends that are men though. I will keep the ring on. If I cannot live up to my own morals, values, and convictions - why even have them? That's not living in integrity to myself.

[JB42]

Letting go is hard JB. My H has been gone for four months now and we are rapidly heading towards D which he wants to happen in May so it is no longer “hanging over” his head. Guess he figures once the D is finalized, he will be magically released from his guilt and the resentment towards me that he has been building for years. It hurts but I can’t stop him. Nothing to do but accept it and move forward.

I totally understand you wanting your W to understand your feelings. I made that mistake way too many times at the beginning of this sitch and I am pretty sure it sealed my fate. You need to drop the rope and get out of her way. Anytime she thinks you aren’t doing that, you push her towards OM and justify her decision. You don’t need to justify your decisions to her. She left. Do what you need to do to move forward and don’t give in to the feeling that you need to explain it to her. You don’t. Just do it.

(((HUGS)))

DV6,

Thanks for the reply. I've been good about not explaining or justifying things for a couple months now, but I felt like this was too big a topic to ignore. Lesson learned. I think that this interaction was the first time that someone has called her R with OM an affair, so I guess getting that out in the air was something. You're right about dropping the rope and not needing to justify - gotta just do it.

[ovrrnbw]

I'm doing alright on the manly stuff front, could probably do with making more friends that are men though. I will keep the ring on. If I cannot live up to my own morals, values, and convictions - why even have them? That's not living in integrity to myself.

A lot of people here say things like you can't do things to make her come back and what not. But we also say that she needs to think you are dumping her. I think you leaving the ring on makes you look like plan B. I want you to save your marriage. I think you have cemented yourself in the friendzone. You know what it takes to break up cement? A jackhammer, not a feather.

I love that you have these morals and convictions, it makes you a good person. It's a tough decision to make. I'm here for advice and I want to support you. I've been where you are, except kinda not - I don't have kids with my spouse.

I'm actually in the military and I know quite a few strong men and women that use words and phrases like this. I don't use them in casual conversation, but they are useful in assessing and addressing weak points (and strong points). Having a concrete definition allows concrete action.

It just sounds a bit contrived, too fancy for me. In the Marines, you didn't hear too much stuff like this. Not sure what branch you're in.

I disagree - my mind isn't made up on the decision, but I maintained that it is my decision to make. A pretty strong position if you ask me. A friendship, at least a surface level one, would benefit the kids.

If you're OK being friendzoned by your W who is cheating on you, that's your call. You want to say it's "for the kids", OK. You have to live with the agony. Like I said, you need to read NMMNG about 100 times. This woman has no respect for you.

[ovrrnbw]

JB,

I know that may seem a bit harsh, but I want to be honest with you and help you here. How are things going?

[JB42]

Nah, ovr.

I actually appreciate the candid feedback. I'm struggling, but I keep that to myself and my IC (and this forum). I've made my decision. I can't be friends with her. I'll remain "friendly" in that I won't be an a-hole, but that will be the extent of that. The dynamic with kids makes this whole thing a pain. I've given up on R at this point, I would be pushing the D except we have some legal stuff we have to clear up before filing. Pushing that along as quickly as possible, but the process takes forever.

[sandi2]

She wanted an explanation, to which I responded that being friends in the future may be possible, but at the moment it was too much of an emotional burden for me.

YES!! Perfect answer.

The big mistake happened the next day. I keep a couple journals, one for gratitude, another for writing and processing my emotions. In the latter, I had wrote about my feelings towards maintaining a friendship - in a moment of weakness, I decided to email this with my W so that she could understand my feelings on the situation.

Anyway, I really messed that one up. I'm emotional over it, I tend to get really bad anxiety when situations get too emotionally charged especially with my W - one of my action items is to practice greater emotional courage.

Well, you see your mistake and if it's not repeated, then I don't think it will do as much damage as you are probably imagining at the moment. I recommend that in the future when you feel the urge to email her something along these lines, you run it by the board first. It's not that the board should make your decisions, but it gives you a waiting period.....plus you get other views about it. When you are emotionally involved, it is difficult to always make the best move. I also recommend that you not do nothing for 72 hours, before you act on it. The good news is that this action brought you back to the board.

So, she said you were not friends.......which lets you off the hook in a lot of ways. Nothing is as presumptuous as a WW! WW's are notorious for cake eating, and think nothing of it when asking the LBH to do certain job. However, she fired you from the position of H. Here's the thing, the WW will want you to continue feeling as if it's your duty to do things for her, but she doesn't reciprocate in the same way. Sometimes it takes a number of reality stings before the WW gets the picture of how her life will be without her H.

I keep my ring on for whatever reason. It used to be as a show that reconciliation was still my goal, but at this point keeping it on is a burden that I endure purely because of my convictions.

It's a personal decision for you to make......which may sound strange considering I just told you to run decisions by the board.

((hugs))

[JB42]

I'm honored that sandi took the time to respond to me! (Even if it was because of a big mistake)

I know why I wear the ring, but I'd like to hear argument for or against it.

Thanks everyone!