Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Yesterday, I got home from working out and had a few things on my mind from the lawyer meet.

W had to xfer me a considerable amount of cash someone gave her a check for so I didn't know when it cleared. I gave her my account # to make a transfer. I forgot at this time I could access the shared account. She used Zelle to xfer to my account and since it was new, she could only xfer a fixed amount. So seeing the check got deposited to the shared account, I told her I transferred the rest of the money to mine and then I also transferred back money for the month, to help with mortgage, bills, kids, etc. She laughed saying why didn't I just xfer a smaller amount to my account and leave what I was going to xfer to the shared. I told her it was to track. This was the start of what I felt like something I could have handled better.

From the convo with the lawyer, the lawyer said I should find out all my debts and my W debts, even the CC one. I took this as the time to speak to W about it saying how I wasn't financially ontop of it before and wanted to know. I need to know all my debts I was responsible for. W was under assumption if its her accumulation she is solely responsible. I told her this isn't true. After I checked online, I got the number and also checked how much was left on the loan for the house. She came to the study and asked why the sudden interest in the bills. I re-iterated I wasn't great at budgeting and because of the D, I had to realistically prepare. She asked me what I meant because she didn't think I would have any bills except the car note and place to stay. I told her I would be responsible for paying child support which she was shocked and said how did I know and if I spoke to a lawyer. Prior to this, we both did not know about the child support. I told her no I didn't speak to one, and she was about to cry saying she was kinda shocked and didn't want to be blindsided if I did and asked to let her know. I paused and said sure. I told her I spoke to a friend who went through D and if the kids were staying with her I'd be paying the child support which I reassured her I have no issues with but she never wanted it as she makes more. I felt bad for telling her and this is where I feel like I failed in the talk. I guess she went to google and said if we tell them we do 50/50 on paper then it would help me. I had mixed emotions, I knew she meant well, but I had to tell her my stance on that.

W said we could do 50/50 on paper so I wouldn't pay. She even said if we did 50/50 she's be paying me, and I told her I didn't want that and I don't want to shuffle the kids between us at this age. I want them in one home. I also told her that I get what she is trying to do for me, but I was not going to lie to get ahead and I have no issues paying to help take care of my boys. She said she didn't want to see me settle for a crappy place somewhere. I was quiet. She said maybe if we wrote in the decree that she didn't want the child support it would help. I told her I don't think that would work but we'll figure it out when we get to that point. I just need to know where we were financially because the situation with the car and how my credit score dipped because of the new house mortgage hit me by surprise and I didn't want to be surprised any more. She said she was surprised too and agreed. So it seemed like we agreed to handle our finances together. Somewhere though it turned to another conversation which I look back and I don't feel good about myself for having with her.

I don't remember the details of the convo but she said "I hope you don't get angry at me for this." I was walking to the room to put something up and came back. I paused on this, and then I said a couple things I think I should not have shared with her. I told her "I understand how you feel about this situation." I told her "I respect how you feel about this but I am angry." I am angry because I come home right now and spend every day with my boys and when we D, at most I'm going to spend 2 days or 3 out of a week. I told her I was angry at this ripping our family apart. I was telling her, not yelling or sad/emotional. She said I was welcomed any time to come over for the boys. I feel she is telling me the truth about this. Her brother would be living about 10 minutes away from her and she said she could sleep at his place and drive in to work with his wife. I told her we would have to see when we get to that point. In that conversation with her about being angry, I said I knew she went looking elsewhere and she tried to say no, but I saw in her face again the same face that couldn't lie well. I looked into her eyes and gave my half smile and shaking my head in the negative like I wasn't buying it and she stopped trying to convince me there was no one else.

Overall, I don't feel good about the whole thing. I do feel like there were some bits and pieces about the finances we should discuss. I thought I had a plan on the approach, but I wasn't too happy with the turn out. I was always trying to come from a place of strength. I don't want to blame her or make her feel guilty. I do strongly believe in that I want to love someone who loves me back and I will not stand in her way.

If I was to rethink the experience and if it hurt or helped towards my goal, I guess it depends on which goal that would be. To be unafraid , to keep my composure, not arguing or trying to win her back, to start this dialogue with her about the D, then it's a step forward for me. I wasn't tryin to rush it or use any of it as a bargaining chip. Also when it comes to child support, I wanted to let her know I have no issues with that. Growing up, I'm seen so many men have issues with this and where it became issues for them. I know many people who don't pay and its sad. That has a bearing on me. Then the lying, trying to get over. If anything, I showed myself I'm better than that. I'll be okay no matter what happens.

If there were more talks about the kids and my place, it would be minus the feelings about us or anything having to do with her and OM period. I didn't like this part.

Sharing so please let me know how this all looks. I meant well, but sometimes I am blinded by the moment and don't see how it appears. We're amicable still at the moment, and I always want to show I am coming from a place of strength.

So tonight when I got home, I was playing games with S6 in the living room, fed him, gave him a bath, watched a couple videos with him until time for sleep. One time, she placed her feet in my lap. Yup, first temp check I've had in a while. She said it was cold. I placed my hand on her foot, tapped it and scooched it into a blanket and continued to play with my S6. She showed me like 6 IG memes. I laughed at some with her. It was nice for the moment, but that's all it was. She's been comfortable because of no pursuit. I know not to mistaken this for anything else.

Oh and the last couple of days, because of my keto dieting, I've had severe lower abdominal pain. Think I need to change up my diet to include more.... FIBER. ugh. talk about the worst feeling. Now I'm taking a few days from anything extreme like exercising. If this feeling doesn't get better I'm going to the ER. Heard of diverticulitis. Think this may be it so will include fiber and hope that gets rid of this pain. I read it also can flare up from stress. I've been holding it in thinking I'm the tough guy and tough guys don't cry or show emotion. Maybe this donkey punch is someone's way of telling me something. Even keel, balanced.