I dont know what to say guys. I feel like anything with my wife is unhealthy. I dont know what to do but drop the rope as you guys say. Its so hard to care about her. We had lunch a few days ago. Talked for 2.5 hours. I love this woman for who she is underneath all the pain, trauma and walls. I know she has no self worth. When she opens up.
The next day I went to drop off D4 stuff and dog to W. I should have dropped the stuff and left. I went upstairs shes a hungover mess. She invites me into bed. We were close. I left it at you need to love yourself enough for me to love you. I cant care about you if you dont care enough about yourself. She says she has love for me. She asked me to kiss her back, hold her. I told her these are table scraps. She said thats all she has.
My birthday is 2/10. I told her vulnerability is the key to all other emotions. If she chooses to be vulnerable, love and be happy with me Id love to see it. Asked her to respect that I cant be in this space much longer. I feel like the best thing for my future is to divorce her. She says she doesnt want to be married ever again, she doesnt want any more kids. The marriage is over.
Other women are throwing themselves at me. Friends are messaging me offering me dates with gorgeous women they want to set up. Ive given in and had casual sex recently. I told these women honestly thats all I was looking for was energy exchange and connection. Not anything serious or long term. And they eat up the honesty. I literally have women I could do this with mutliple times per week. I read something recently from a therapist saying casual sex was fine and the dopeamine and positive chemicals are healthy if both set expectations and are honest. But I think it may make me feel worse. Last night this sexy flight attendant invited me over... it was fun for a while. But then I couldnt sleep and left at 5am.
I have to be more disciplined. I need to reach my goals and be consistent. Im struggling internally but good things keep happening. I live in a grateful mindset. I have more feelings than ever in my life. I used to repress everything. I got a great offer for a 75k plus bonuses for my job as a lacrose director. Rather than being paid a high hourly rate. There is no hourly commitment. I can still write, coach, travel, do anything else I want.
The happiness is fleeting. I feel so bad for my daughter, I love her so much. For all the kids that have split families. I wish there was something more I can do. I guess all I can do is let her go. And be cosistent. W says she needs time to think alone. I dont trust her. Why should I. Why do I still want this woman as my partner, lover and best friend? When I was over there yesterday looking at her, she says your pupils are huge. I said whats that mean. She says that you love me. Why do you still love me so much. I had no answer.
I know your advice will be you idiot youre pursuing again. Do what works not what you think should work. Go dark. I have said everything there is to say. I will not reach out to her again. Everytime I think to reach out Im going to do pushups. WTF I gotta do something.
Definitely feeling empty. I need to build a home for myself with myself. And not look for anyone else to fill the void. Thanks for those that are still here and havent given up on me. I will stop making mistakes. Right now. I will be more disciplined. I will be stronger. I deserve better. I can not allow this to continue.
Last post from AnotherStander below hits home with a [censored] metal bat, a wood 2x4 isnt enough. Maybe I need to cry it out a bit and mourn the loss of my wife. Shes gone. Heading to the gym then energy / spiritual healer. Tomorrow session with life / business coach. D4 to me tonight. Free Saturday night. Do I date. Do I focus on being ok being alone and write... thanks again all. Love this community.
AS- I miss my wife. I don't miss my ex. My ex is not my wife. She is not the person that swore to love, honor and cherish until death do we part. She is not the one that never left my side when I was sick. She is not the one that snuggled up to me on cold nights to warm her bootie. She is not the one that gazed at me when I played with the kids like I was the Greatest Man that had Ever Walked the Earth. She is not the one that loved me unconditionally. I'm sorry Did but the woman you fell in love with is gone. You are clinging to memories. You don't want to let go of this current person she is because you are hoping beyond hope that the person she was will somehow rise back to the surface. It's not going to happen. Hang onto the memories but let go of the fantasy.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
