New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Bern19]

I think the light bulb has gone off in my brain. It seems over the past couple years I've become much better at talking a great game instead of actually trying to be great. It's a bit scary, but I know what I need to do, I've just let too many things influence me away from doing them. I feel had I been "finished" with her after the initial discovery, or when I learned she was still fabricating ways to "run into" him in public, I would be much better off than I am today. I need to stop using the the thought of my kids being hurt by me leaving as an excuse to continue to allow her to disrespect our marriage. I've redirected that worry about the kids being hurt by me moving on and placed it squarely on her for betting their emotional safety on the idea that no one will find out about her and the OM's affair. If their affair gets blown up publicly, yes it will be embarrassing for the two of them, but l can't waste time worrying about that. What I need to worry about is how my kids would be publicly humiliated. I can't take the chance of them being blindsided by that and ridiculed by their friends for God knows how long...

So it's clear what I need to do. I was ready to do it right before Christmas, but let the idea of ruining my kids' Christmas stop me from action. I said I'd revisit it after the holidays. So now I find myself a month down the road. Nothing has changed other than I know she is still talking with him. Once again I find myself is a situation where I know what I should do. Once again there are circumstances that make me question the timing of it being done. Last time it was Christmas.... now, we have a family vacation coming up that was planned 6 months ago, pre discovery. We are scheduled in mid Feb to take our kids to Disney. The two younger ones have never been and I was looking forward to making some lifelong memories with them. Now from where I sit I have a few options. #1- Lay low & wait till after the vaca to go dark on my ww, continue to work on detachment and GAL. #2 Tell ww that I'm done, right now, and will not be coming with them on vaca. #3- Tell ww that i'm done, and go on vaca anyway and just deal with her as little as I must while we are there. I think I know which one I think is right, but would like some input from others. While I feel like I'm thinking more clearly now, I still would be grateful for some insight from those that have traveled this road before.


Also, I am going to go to my IC session on Saturday. I'm going to let our therapist know that I believe I've had a moment of clarity. That while I've known for some time that I need to stop trying to control a situation i have no control over, I am finally at a place where I feel strong enough to "let go of the rope". I will tell her why. Not because I want her to use her influence on my wife, but so she knows what finally pushed me to stand up for myself and my MR. I will also tell her that I'm done doing joint MC sessions with my wife as we clearly aren't on the same page. I will ask her to continue as my individual counselor, but only if she feels it's appropriate based on the circumstances.

Thanks for the tough love, I know you all probably get frustrated with us that struggle with something that seems so obvious to you. All I can plead is ignorance. Obviously if doing what I thought was right or normal worked, I wouldn't be in this sitch.