typical WW on my hands

[SteveLW]

So next time she pressures, have a response like this ready: "I am completely opposed, ethically and morally to divorce. If you want a divorce I can't stop you but I will do nothing to help. I won't hinder it if you insist on divorce, but I won't file, I won't lift a finger in anyway to help with it because it would violate my conscience."
.

Thanks guys.. this evening she made contact with me in our house (first non kid communication if quite a bit) and asked if she could borrow my book I mentioned a couple of weeks ago (7 principles for making a marriage work).. it completely took me off guard, i took a deep breath, realized this is all more of her plot to either a) make her self feel better about being how she is and or b) just a ploy to make it look like she is 'trying all things' before filing for D. I said basically that I think she should go out research, and get her own books that suit her. No need to take my advice, or read what I am reading. She definitely was shocked. I then proceeded to say or more or less words the above that Steve85 said. I told her no need to go to my IC if she was not going for the right reasons. And that I am not going to step in her way of D - but I am totally against it but i won't fight her anymore about it - if this is what she wants go for it! But I am not helping her.

I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.


I really do feel good. I am actually detached now. You guys are right she is not the woman I married years ago and had 2 kids with at this point in her life. I ended it saying all I can do is be the best dad i can be and that is what I am going to do and then walked away.

Any comments on this?

Pretty good. Couple of things.

When you say these things try to be matter of fact. Emotionless. Don't say it happy, sad, angry, etc. Just say it.

Read R2C's comments on how to approach the custody question.

"I am actually detached now."

Whoa, slowdown horsey! Detachment isn't something you check off a list. It is an ongoing, day-to-day battle within yourself. You are riding a high after feeling empowered with this recent interaction. And you should! You did well. Can you improve? Yes. But you did well. But be prepared for the crash. Read other people's sitches here. One day they are "I am doing it! I am over her! I am detaching!" The next day "I miss her, I don't want to lose, my life will suck without her!" The rollercoaster is real. Avoid thinking you are out of the woods. Avoid thinking everything is dire. Try to float, as much as possible, in the middle. And by all means DO NOT let it inform your next words and actions. Those that struggle the most are those that are most impulsive. Read sandi's rules, study them, know them. You can ruin weeks and months of progress with one impulsive action or word. Don't be that guy.